Romney VP pick Paul Ryan doubled down today on lies told during his Republican Convention acceptance speech and admitted fib to Runner's World about having run a sub three hour marathon. Wowing America's ninnies, he told the Harvard debate team this morning that President Obama should not be reelected because "Obama must be God or possibly Satan and therefore way over qualified to have to deal with you people."
Ryan said his conclusion was based on a series of undeniable facts. "As I said before, it is undisputed that the President used time travel not available to mere mortals to cause that plant closing in Janesville, Wisconsin in June, 2007 during the previous Bush Administration... and if Obama did that," Ryan asked, "is there a single bad thing in our nation's history that is off the table under the cloud of Obama suspicion?-- 911 and Pearl Harbor attacks, the two G.W. Bush Administrations, mass murders, the Kennedy, Martin Luther King, Lincoln assassinations, the shuttle disaster, Titanic, Hindenburg and airline disasters, Katrina and San Francisco earthquake disasters, the Great Depression, Civil War and Civil War reenactments, Glenn Beck, Rush Limbaugh, Sarah Palin, Fox News, the Battlefield Earth movie," he questioned?..."And if he did all these horrific things is it not inescapable to draw the conclusion Obama could be responsible for all manner of Americans' personal and family tragedies both large and small? And if these things are true is not the only sensible explanation that Obama must be God or possibly Satan," Ryan asked rhetorically? As Billy Joel said 'We didn't start the fire', but Obama may very well have been the culprit."
Logic expert, Tea Douche Bagger, and U.S. Representative Allen West (R-FL) agreed that it was not out of the realm of possibility and indeed entirely "valid mental masturbation" to imagine that Obama could be God, Satan "or more than likely Allah as well as a communist," West said (West is best known for having recently announced that he has "heard" that 78-81 congressional Democrats are communists, leading to wild guesses and much speculation). "To have travelled backward or forward through a medium that mortals have no power to physically touch and to have done so before Obama was even born suggests an immortal quality that only a supreme being can boast. To have done all manner of bad things also shows an omnipotent quality not available to mere non communist mortals," he reasoned flawlessly, if not idiotically.
Facing a throng of reporters at Trump Towers, Donald Trump and Sheriff Joe Arpaio of Maricopa County, Arizona stood side by side as Trump said he, for one, was not afraid of Obama "whether Obama is God, Satan or just some Muslim guy from Kenya because my show Celebrity Apprentice is big, really big on NBC... bigger than any Supreme Being, as am I,... Really, really huge...like my dick, if I may say so," he added.
Trump's braggadocio was lost in the furor that followed. Trump announced that his own secret private investigator, Sheriff Arpaio, had found Obama's DNA "all over that Janesville plant closing and the Kennedy assassination." Startled reporters were presented a grainy photograph that Trump said was uncovered by Arpaio. It clearly depicted a rifle wielding two year old kneeling on the grassy knoll outside the Texas School Book Depository in Dallas the day President Kennedy was shot in 1963. Although the baby's face looks exactly the same as a fiftyish looking President Obama, Arpaio said not to be fooled. "We are not just talking about a terrible twos phase here," the Sheriff reminded all present.
"Everyone not certifiably crazy who has looked at this photo has concluded as I have that it is a smoking gun of the so-called "second shooter" and is as real as Obama's birth cerificate is fake," Arpaio said. "My photo analysts include all the leading lights: Governor Jan Brewer, Representatives Steve King, Joe Walsh, Allen West, Michele Bachmann... Even the doctor, dentist, lawyer and birther expert Orly Taitz has confirmed its authenticity with experimental laughing gas dating," Arpaio finished triumphantly.