After his disastrous imitation of a nervous 16 year old auditioning for a school play at last night's Republican convention, Dirty Harry himself is receiving numerous death threats from an unlikely suspect: Mitt Romney!
In a frightening recording released to the National Outsider, a TV show for people who are more out there than in, Mitt Romney's picayune voice can be clearly heard, although muffled as if someone is holding a monogrammed kerchief over the phone.
In a threatening tone, the caller says, (Smack) "This is (Smack) Scorpio. You have been (Smack) warned. The next time you decide to sabotage a political convention, just know someone is out there watching you, you baby bird-headed bastard. (Smack) Have a nice day." (Smack)
San Francisco Police Chief, Swishy McPhermon, says Romney is only a person of interest in the case, and there is no proof the calls are actually from Romney, because Eastwood only uses a rotary phone with no caller ID. However, the investigation has led the detectives to a broken down phone booth outside a XXX theater in the Tenderloin.
A complicated series of reel-to-reel tape machines and microphones, assorted wire-tapping devices and a 1966 white van parked outside Eastwood's house have failed to trace the call, because it's impossible to keep the suspect on the phone for the four minutes required to trace it.
"We almost had him yesterday," opined McPhermon, "We were so close, but when Scorpio called, Eastwood couldn't think of anything to say, then started mumbling and talking nonsense, and that's when we lost him. Scorpio, not Eastwood, although I'm beginning to wonder."
Just then the phone rang and everyone scrambled to man their stations. Eastwood, in his most authoritative but non-suspecting voice answered, "Goodbye?"
The phone line went dead and all the detectives groaned in disbelief.