Written by Tawdry Soup
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Friday, 31 August 2012

Dog whistling his way into the black hearts of neo-fascists and unbelievably stupid Americans everywhere, Mitt Romney's acceptance speech Thursday night promised to deliver everything the fascists want on a spectacularly engraved silver platter.

After the speech, which took America down a harrowing series of twists and turns into a world where only the wealthiest survive, Romney was found in his hotel room enjoying cracked crab claws and caviar surrounded by a multitude of grandkids he lovingly calls, "My Little Mess of Mussolinis." After a rigmarole involving security, Tawdry Soup was able to chat with Romney, who was happy to answer a few questions. His candid answers were lovingly peppered with blatant lies and mind-twisting logic.

Here are the highlights:

TS: Mr. Romney, during your speech, we had a drinking game where we took a shot every time you smacked your lips. After lip smack number 322 everyone passed out, so I had to read the text of your speech this morning, and halfway through passed out again. I just need to clarify a few things, because there is no possible way you can win the presidency based on what I read. (Romney loudly smacked his lips) Let's start with this question: Why do you smack your lips so danged much?

MR: I have Tardive Dyskinesia from taking anti-depressants. I take them so I don't feel bad about destroying half the US economy during my years at Bain Capital.

TS: In your speech, you made a joke about rising oceans, then promised to roll back environmental regulations to create jobs. I am thinking this will only help the big industry that supports your campaign and destroy the earth along with the health of all Americans. Then you promised to repeal Obamacare, making it more difficult for the most vulnerable Americans to get healthcare. How do you reconcile all this in your mind?

MR: It's simple math, for every person that drops dead from pollution, there's a down-tick in the unemployment rate. (smack)

TS: You promised to improve schools, increase job training and create numerous giveaways to small businesses. In fact, you flat out said the government will create 12 million new jobs. Doesn't all this go against the idea of big government and preventing the "free giveaways" you accuse Obama of dishing out?

MR: I didn't say that.

TS: But it's right here on the transcript...

MR: I don't believe it and if I did say it I didn't say it and I stick by whatever I didn't say if I never said what I did say and you need to check your facts because (smack) I never did not ever or never (smack). I'll go back and look, but (smack) I am pretty sure I didn't not say what you never said I didn't say when I did. (Smack)

TS: OK, Governor, relax. Let's talk about social issues. You praised women in your life, but never defended their right to have control over their own bodies. It sounds to me like you're a breast man. Your message is titties are OK, but the unspeakable vagina should be controlled. In fact, the Republican Governor of Virginia just signed a bill, that in its original draft, forced women who inquire about an abortion, even if the pregnancy is one of 30,000 pregnancies a year resulting from rape, to have a mechanical contraption jammed into their vaginas during their counseling session. Is that OK with you?

MR: (Smack) (Chuckles) Look, men have been jamming things in women's vaginas for a million years, get over it.

TS: You made it clear last night you will encourage a constitutional amendment to deny gay people marriage forever. Have you written off the gay vote?

MR: Duh…

TS: You are obviously a Zionist tool. What do you tell the Palestinian people who live their lives every day under the cloud of oppression from Israel.

MR: The day a Palestinian billionaire casino mogul gives my campaign 100 million dollars, we'll talk. Until then, they better learn to duck and cover.

TS: It sounds like you are going to give more money to the war machine, go to war for Israel against Iran, and once again the US will be stuck with the bill. Does it bother you that America is constantly taking risks for Israel while Israel gets the reward?

MR: You really don't understand how this all works, do you? A smart businessman puts in a little money, borrows a lot, takes the profit and leaves someone else with the bill. That's how Bain Capital made billions in profit. It's called leverage, and that's how we will run the war against Iran. It's just like the successful campaign in Iraq that made billions for my friends in the military-industrial complex.

TS: So when you say, "The future of America is out there waiting for us," you mean, any money left in America is out there waiting for you and your Zionist and war machine contributors, is that correct?

MR: (Smack) Do I have to break out my whiteboard to make it any clearer for you?

TS: OK, I get it.

TS: What is the "unspeakable darkness" you referred to in your speech that is threatening our freedom? Can you be more specific?

MR: No, not really. (Smack) But I can try for you liberaltards. Did you see the person sitting in that chair next to Clint Eastwood? That is the unspeakable darkness.

TS: OK, one last question: If 1 out of 6 Americans are in poverty, how do you plan to improve on that number?

MR: I'm thinking a quantifiable target of 6 out of 6, and my plan will make it attainable in less than four years.

TS: Thank you for your time, Mr. Romney. My gay partner of 25 years wanted me to deliver this message to you. It's from Texas; they are baby rattlesnake eggs and are supposed to be good luck.

Tawdry Soup handed him an envelope containing two buttons connected to bent paper clips with twisted rubber bands. The buttons unwind quickly when the envelope is opened making a rattling noise that startles the recipient, who thinks the eggs have hatched. It is a really old practical joke.

Romney opened the envelope, and the buttons unwound, making the expected rattling noise. Romney, who claims to love practical jokes, suddenly screamed like a little girl, clutched his breast, and blanched. Then his mood suddenly soured. He got up and waltzed across the room, his nightclothes flowing behind him. He looked frighteningly like Bette Davis in What Ever Happened to Baby Jane? He snatched open a drawer, yanked out a pair of scissors, whipped around, and put Tawdry Soup in his sights.

He ordered his bodyguards to hold Tawdry Soup down, climbed on top of Tawdry and began savagely chopping away at Tawdry Soup's thinning hair while smacking his lips and cackling wildly.

"Here's my idea of a practical joke, you little faggot!" He screamed.

Ann could be heard calling from the adjoining room, "Dear? It sounds like it's time for your medication."

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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