Tampa, Florida - A UN Security Council 'NOC-list' of undesirables confirms what those Dumbo-esque ears and rictus grin have hinted at for decades.
"We have established that Paul Ryan is Clinton's bastard spawn," a spokesperson for Ban Ki-Moon's Tarot reader said today.
"Following analysis of DNA cross-dressing - er...cross-referencing! - with a stain on Monica Lewinsky's infamous blue frock the paternal genome is finally out."
Top secret files seen by QM-NewsCorpse reporters describe Ryan, 42, as 'a classic straw man' whose only discernible talent is making his own bratwurst and Polish sausage.
"Yeah, I bet he models them on his own personal appendage, heheh," a Democrat Party Internal Affairs paralegal commented.
"That's probably a skill he acquired as a serving altar boy at St John Vianney Catholic Church in Janesville, Wisconsin."
Those formative years butchery techniques are classic Clinton talents considering his biological father the former US President is one of the biggest con artists ever to infiltrate American pubic life.
"I'd rank Clinton as only marginally less criminal that those hideous White House impostors Richard Nixon, Ronnie Raygun and Bushes 1 and 2," the paralegal continued.
"Wanna see pics of Monica's knickers hanging in the GOP's gubernatorial Wisconsin trophy room?"