Governor Bobby Jindal, architect of the Louisiana education voucher system that replaced public education, will explain to Republican conventioneers today how state funded Bible schools teaching children that the Loch Ness monster and dragons are real is good for their kids and how exorcising demons is as easy as CPR.
"When I became governor, Louisiana's education system was second to none except for Mississippi's in not graduating its high school students. If Mississippi could graduate 20%, we can beat that with 19, I thought," Jindal said proudly. "So I cut education funding in half by disbanding all public education in favor of education vouchers sent directly to parents who know best the kind of misinformation they want drummed into their kids."
"The key to sound schooling is local control," Jindal stressed, "and you absolutely can't get more local than our parents living on the bayou. With no outside contact for generations, who better than swamp dwellers to decide which Christian school is best to school their kids that Evolutionists want to destroy the Bible? Louisianans don't want some non Louisiana educated know-it-all dandy in a foreign government place like Washington, DC, Baton Rouge or even Shreveport confusing them with facts. Next thing you know your wise ass kids are talkin' fancy shit like "sea level rising" as if the Good Lord had no grand plan to create better catfishing out the back door," Jindal reasoned... "more for folks in town to eat," he added not wanting to sound overly parochial.
"Instead of costly public schools our kids are now educated by one of a slew of tent and trailer park Bible schools that have sprung up almost overnight. These include institutions of lower learning like Hell Yeah Eternity Christian School that pay convicted pedophiles squat to get to use their degrees in stuff like "Lucifer Studies," "Bible Math", Creationism I, II, III, Scientific Rhythm Method, Astrology and other pseudosciences," Jindal said, by now drawing a crowd of slack jawed journalists. "These schools are dirt cheap also due to the Bob Jones University published teach-by-picture textbooks that have an added advantage: Such learning tools rule out abysmally low reading comprehension skills as having anything to do with the myths learned," the governor explained.
One wise ass reporter asked Jindal if he would be performing an exorcism at the convention like the one Jindal wrote about performing on a "possessed" undergraduate friend in a 1994 New Oxford Review article entitled "Beating a Demon: Physical Dimensions of Spiritual Warfare."
Jindal declined to answer. "Shhh," he said. "The key to a successful exorcism is catching Satan unawares." However he did let on that Reince Priebus (Republican National Chairman) had asked him to "exorcise the shit and hell" out of Ron Paul.