Written by Tawdry Soup
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Wednesday, 29 August 2012

GOP Convention-Tampa: The filthy-rich devil-in-a-red-dress, Ann Romney, has exploded into the national spotlight, after mindlessly reading a teleprompter in her husband's honor to the party faithful gathered at the what the intelligentsia are now calling, "Mustard's Last Stand."

Burdened with the insurmountable challenge of making her tax-dodging, black-hearted fascist husband likeable to a nation of rich-people wannabees, she awkwardly stuffed her chutzpah into a GUCCI handbag, donned a million dollars worth of finery, and stepped onto the world stage, her fangs glistening behind a network of lipstick lines sloppily hidden from view by 8 pounds of pancake makeup.

While the audience was giving more attention to the applause sign rather than anything intelligent that could possibly come out of her stupid mouth, Tawdry Soup, covering the convention from under the bleachers, gave a blow by blow account of her more memorable moments and witty lines. He described the air in the hall as thick with irony, as this wealthy matron of the party of misery rained niceties about her husband, whose business was funded by Salvadorian death squads, and smeared figurative homemade cookie dough over the minds of the dumbest people that ever lived.

As the party faithful sat doggedly waiting for something, anything to make them like this couple, who don't know anything except how to act rich and sneer at the hoi polloi, Ann Romney slung her guttural garbage across the convention floor and into the living rooms of nearly 2500 households across America.

Throughout the speech, when she wasn't telling Americans their lives were shit-not once did she say hers is too, she used a "bossy mom" tone and pointed her finger at Americans through their television screens, demanding they trust and vote for her husband. After every few demands, she would interject a bizarre high school cheerleader squeal into her speech and throw her hands in the air. Most of the time it seemed stiff and out of whack, like she had suddenly lost her mind. She peaked when she pointed to the ceiling with both hands, fingers tipped with a 500 dollar manicure, and after a sweeping gesture yelled, "I know some of ya'll!" with a Palinesque screech.

Here are the most memorable quotes from Ann Romney's famous speech, officially titled: If I Can Stand to be Fucked by that Idiot, Why Can't You?

"Mitt may walk like he's got a stick up his ass, but it's you people who are going to get the stick in your ass if you elect my husband president."

"When I was sick with breast cancer I had the best doctors in the world looking after me while I lay in silk and satin. When my husband is president, and you get cancer, you will die on a park bench after you lose your home to the health insurance companies."

"Po' folk got asthma from air pollution? Tough it-like I did trying to squeeze into this pair of Spanx, that are two sizes too small, before I had to come out here and talk to this smelly mob of creatons."

"People say my husband is not likeable, is a pathological liar and smells like hair dye. What you people don't understand is he is a likeable, honest man who would never put his interests over those of the country, unlike the current President, who risked his entire political career to give everyone health care and kill the number one terrorist in the world."

"Let's put the current President back on the streets of Chicago where he belongs, where he can legitimately rape his way to obscurity."

"Let me tell you, I had some challenges raising five sons: Trying to figure out which nanny was coming one day and arranging prep school schedules. And just like any mom, I sat at the kitchen table wondering how to make ends meet. For example, I once spent 3 minutes trying to figure out how to fasten a fancy new clasp on a string of pearls."

"We pray for gay people. They can't have real marriages."

"The richer we get, the richer you will be, but in your case it's rich as in, "Boy, that is one rich piece of apple pie."

As she left the stage, one of her handlers reminded her she forgot to say something about the people in New Orleans getting buffeted by Hurricane Isaac, outside of a quick shout-out at the beginning of her speech. She replied, "Fuck those darkies. They aren't voting for us anyway."

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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