BILLINGSGATE POST - The Cayman Institute of LaFontaine College announced today in its eponymously named journal that solitude has been found to be the best cure for those suffering from terminal loneliness. The Cayman Institute is chaired by Dr. Viscount Billingsgate, a natural bon vivant and holder of twelve doctorates, all from this little college located on Grand Cayman Island. Billingsgate is also the past president of the Greater Caribbean Carnegie Mental Health Institute who sponsored this research with an undisclosed monetary grant.
For many years Dr. Billingsgate himself fought loneliness. Nothing seemed to work. He tried surrounding himself with slathering fans. He went to bars and waited for someone to buy him a drink. He took cruises where women outnumbered men 3-1; zero, zappo and out.
Realizing that he turned people off by bragging about his twelve doctorates, he tried playing the role of a high school drop-out. They only laughed at him because he was still wearing his doctoral robes.
Then while vacationing at his beloved Galapagos Island hermitage, he took a stroll on the beach. He came across a bearded gentleman dressed in fruit-of-the-loom skivvies who was studiously observing a Giant Tortoise lying on its back, his feet fruitlessly whaling away in the wind. He asked the old man what the tortoise was trying to do. Without raising his eyes, he pronounced, "He is trying to gain traction."
All of a sudden Billingsgate understood the counterintuitiveness of the situation. Applying this lesson to himself, he realized that loneliness was just a state of mind. Surrounding oneself with solitude was the only answer.