Written by Jerry Chen
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Sunday, 19 August 2012

image for Romney Demands Death Penalty Reform
Romney introduces a more humane method of capital punishment.

WASHINGTON, DC - On Sunday, Republican presidential candidate Mitt Romney criticized the current punishment system and announced that he will revolutionize the death penalty by instituting a new system if elected.

"Public executions are the answer; we need to bring them back," the former Massachusetts governor said. "People often make the mistake of irrationally fearing traditions."

The last public execution in the United States took place in 1936.

Romney believes that capital punishment, although usually fatal, should be a humane process; his idea of public executions is certainly not a conventional one.

"Right now we tie up the prisoner in an enclosed room and then forcibly inject poison into his or her body," Romney described. "This method is why leftist critics often compare the punishment to murder."

According to Romney's campaign manager Matt Rhoades, a new form of capital punishment will be established.

"This may sound a little counterintuitive, but the idea is to release the death-row inmate first," said Rhoades.

"Then our highly trained assassins will carry out justice and end his or her life. The prisoner won't be tied up anymore. It won't be in an enclosed room. It will be fair and humane."

Upon hearing the news, the Obama camp did not seem impressed by Romney's innovative idea.

Vice President Joe Biden is concerned with the risk of killing innocent people.

"What if the assassins accidentally kill the wrong person in the process?" Biden questioned.

While Rhoades acknowledged the possibility of irrevocable mistakes, he answered Biden with a quote by Indiana prosecuting attorney Steven D. Stewart.

"The inevitability of a mistake should not serve as grounds to eliminate the death penalty any more than the risk of having a fatal wreck should make automobiles illegal."

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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