LINCOLN, MA-Sources confirmed early Wednesday that area man Charles Banway discovered that presumptive Republican Vice Presidential candidate Paul Ryan and Texas Congressman Ron Paul were not related, despite vaguely similar names and near-identical levels of lunacy.
"I could have sworn, literally sworn, that Paul Ryan was Ron Paul's kid or nephew or something," Banway told reporters outside his home. "Which would have made sense because they are the same type of crazy. I mean, not 'Jesus-wants-us-to-go-to-war-with-Iran-because-of-abortion' crazy, but 'The-government-is-trying-to-enslave-the-people-by-means-of-the-Federal-Reserve' crazy. That's a pretty rare crazy, you know? I figured it was passed on or something."
"I mean, they both think Ayn Rand is a genius and a prophet," noted the construction contractor. "Don't tell me two grown men arrive at that conclusion independently. That crap gets passed on."
Banway first suspected that his pre-established belief might be incorrect when not a single media outlet discussed Congressman Paul in connection with the story that Mitt Romney had selected Paul Ryan as his running mate. Banway's fears were confirmed following a quick Google search. The divorced father of two claimed to be "extremely embarrassed" upon grasping his blunder.
"Thank God I didn't mention it front of anybody," said Banway with obvious relief.
While Banway did acknowledge that the dissimilar nature of the men's surnames should have been a slight obstacle to his thinking, the 32-year-old "was absolutely certain" he knew the reason why it didn't register with him. "It was like…[Paul Ryan] wanted to carve his own path, or maybe [Ron Paul] raised him with a different last name? Hold on. I was thinking about this last night. It made sense then."
"I mean, they obviously weren't brothers or cousins, but they could have been father-son, grandfather-grandson, uh, adopted nephew twice-removed, something like that."
While both men are members of the Republican Party, espouse similar limited-government policies, and are almost translucent in their Caucasian-ness, at press there is no known relation between the Congressman Paul and Congressman Ryan.
"Oh, I remember what it was. I had completely confused him with Rand Paul. My mistake." Banway concluded.