Iowa: This week, Mitt Romney was once again seen tediously presenting his black/white/up/down ideas on the future of America to a bunch of Iowa hayseeds, while he cleverly unveiled his latest weapon in an increasingly nasty campaign: Tardive Dyskinesia.
It appears Mitt Romney has decided the only way to relegate the "Chosen One" into the dust bin of history, is by using bizarre lip smacks and a variety of other psychotic tics against Obama's formidable Chicago-style re-election team
Using his haughty, "I've got mine and you don't, you ridiculous excuse for a human being" lip smack that is clearly discernible between every other word, Romney's incessant lip smacking is already having a deleterious affect on the Obama campaign.
Since Tawdry Soup has unprecedented access to President Obama's war party, it was important to make some calls and ask a few questions to find out how the Obama camp was going to handle this nauseating and outrageous new campaign tactic.
"Well it's not easy responding to Romney's discombobulating prickly drivel interspersed with so many tics," answered Obama Campaign Adviser Marty McLufkin, "but it's becoming obvious Romney's lip-smacking is not the result of his snotty high-brow heritage, which is what most of us thought. It is most likely caused by some anti-psychotic medication such as Thorazine. The clinical name for this odd behavior is Tardive Dyskinesia. It is obvious in not only his uncontrollable lip-smack followed by a slight grimace, which we are all familiar with, but in his walk. His distinctive gait is known in psychiatric circles as the Thorazine shuffle. This is when the patient has nowhere to go, but constantly walks in small stuttering or shuffling steps. Just look at Romney's creepy tiny steps as he walks to the podium, and notice as soon as he gets there, the first thing he does is let out a big lip smack, followed by that slight but involuntary grimace. It's garden variety Tardive Dyskinesia. It can be found in old smelly insane asylums or any prison where heavily medicated people who've lost touch with reality are found."
"You see, we know he's crazy, and so does half of America, and of course he doesn't know it-which is obvious when he is constantly calling for everyone to apologize to him (followed by a lip smack) for a perceived wrong, which is another sure sign of kookooism." McLufkin continued, "But the problem is our job is to listen to everything he says in order to respond with a clever retort, and it's making US crazy. Our tech team is trying to invent something that will filter out the smacks, but the smacks keep creeping in, and ever since we noticed them we can't get them out of our head! Aaaaarrrghhhhh!"
Being balanced and fair, Tawdry Soup immediately called the Romney camp for a response. Amazingly, the phone was picked up by Romney himself, who was wearing a handsome smoking jacket he had just been helped into by his butler. He answered: "Romney here (smack)."
After Tawdry Soup told him of the recent accusations, he responded with a forceful lip smack, and then, "You people got it all wrong. (Smack) You all must be crazy. (Smack) I don't and never have, uhhh, (Smack) smacked my lips. Unless you want to count all the times I didn't. (Smack) I will go back and look at the record, but I can assure you (Smack) you are just wrong. (Smack) I am thinking you should apologize. (Smack) Your behavior is unbecoming to the unbecoming. (Smack) And just to let you know. (Smack) I walk that way because I (Smack) am a well-bred man from Massachu (Smack) setts, and I walk the same way a thoroughbred dressage horse prances. (Smack) I haven't taken Thorazine in at least seven hours-(Smack) Go on-take a look at my record. (Smack) If there is one person tearing this country apart it's (Smack) Obama and his (Smack) (Smack) (Smack) (Smack) Hello? (Smack) Hello? I can't believe it. This guy wants to get an interview with Mitt (Smack) Romney and hangs up on me?" (Smack) (Grimace)
Romney shuffle-pranced back to his portable leather sedan-chair manned by six Paul Ryan look-alikes, held out his royal hand as he was helped aboard, then let out a loud smack as he flounced down into the comfy confines of his ultra-expensive appurtenance. He stared pensively into space for 5 seconds, let out another loud smack followed by an involuntary grimace, then ordered everyone from the room except his personal physician.