Written by Michael Balton
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Monday, 13 August 2012

image for Paul Ryan to Seniors: Please Drop Dead
Paul Ryan's vision for America. (Tombstones not included.)

Arlington National Cemetery - The Republican's newly named vice presidential nominee has some patriotic advice for America's elderly. He'd like them to stop breathing.

Introducing his Medicare cutback program at a graveside press conference, Rep. Paul Ryan (R-Wisconsin) declared that such major issues as job creation, the deficit and terrorism all take a back seat to the elderly threat.

"If you want to discover who the true enemies of America are, look no further than Uncle Walter on the couch, grandma playing bingo every week, or Aunt Hattie living it up in Florida," Ryan said. "They produce nothing, but we're spending billions every day keeping them alive."

Under Ryan's proposed program, which he calls Medicare Lite, the Social Security numbers of everyone 65 and older would be entered into a lottery. Half of the numbers drawn would win full Medicare benefits for their owners. The losing half would receive a free burial in the national cemetery of their choice, along with a complimentary body bag.

Ryan explained that the Baby Boomers are used to having their futures determined by government-sponsored games of chance. During the Vietnam War, a lottery was used to determine who would be sent to fight and die, and who would live on to see the day a little douche bag could run for vice president.

"So-called Senior Citizens are not part of the Romney/Ryan Comeback Team, but they can still do their patriotic duty by giving their lives for their country," the congressman said. "In fact, by participating in Medicare Lite, they will put an end to the nation's financial crisis."

Ryan's reasoning: his Medicare cuts will reduce the entitlement-heavy senior population by half in short order. "That means we can stop giving them Social Security benefits, Food Stamp privileges and free cheese vouchers," he said. "It also means that their surviving relatives can get their hands on their inheritances right away. That's trillions of dollars that will flow into the economy."

Ryan concluded by noting that his Medicare Lite initiative is an integral part of his broader "Roadmap to Riches Routine: Get Healthier And Wealthier In 90 Days," which he recently cut out of an old issue of The National Review.

"We have to stop trying to balance the nation's books on the backs of the rich," he said. "Instead let's balance the books on the backs of the middle class and poor, because thanks to the crappy education we give them, they can't read the books or do the math, so they'll never know what hit them."

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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