CONNECTICUT-Yale University released the findings of its three-year long and much debated study on the popularity of drinking yesterday. Dr Bradley Denton, chief researcher and professor at the university, released the results to the public at a press conference.
"Well," said Denton with a slur in his voice. "In this study, we worked our asses off, going to party after party conducting all the really tough research." Denton paused to drink from a bottle hidden in a paper bag. "Basically, we proved that being drunk is just a hell of a lot more fun than being sober…and that's pretty much it."
Denton then introduced the students who assisted him onto the stage. All appeared slightly woozy. "We've basically devoted our lives for the past three years to this," said Kevin Anderson, a junior. "And believe me, it hasn't been easy, going out to party every night, getting plastered, not remembering anything, waking up with random women. It's been a rough three years, but it's all for science. I feel I've contributed good knowledge to society."
"Denton said what?" remarked Yale President Gary Hodgson on hearing of the study results. "They were supposed to be studying the geopolitics of immigration from Europe."
"I admit that the geopolitics did have something to do with the study originally…" said Denton, "but damn it, getting drunk just seemed a lot more fun."