Mitt Romney's tax returns were found Wednesday stacked in a recycling bin outside a fish market in Lucerne, Switzerland. The thousands of pages of documents were being used to wrap carp, catfish, and a variety of other ichthyoids by a fish monger who goes only by the name "The Fixer."
They would have gone completely unnoticed on a typical day at the fish market, but Eli Schweitzer, an 80 year old vacationing accountant from the United States, who made a mint building cheap tract homes in the US after WWII, just happened to buy some whitefish at the market carefully wrapped in the newspaper-like paper. After arriving at his apartment, Schweitzer immediately noticed a fishy smell coming not from the fish, but from the wrapper, and on closer inspection found it was an American tax form. He began decoding the page, and when he looked at the signature, he found it was the unmistakable hen-scratching of Mitt Romney himself.
Schweitzer rushed back to the fish market and was able to gather a 3-4 foot tall pile of Romney tax returns going back 27 years sitting next to The Fixer and putting out "one hell of a fishy smell," according to Schweitzer. The find was comparable to discovering the holy grail of American politics. But cruelly and perhaps in a heroic move, Schweitzer sent the fishy smelling forms to Israel where they are now held in an undisclosed tomb under the watch of armed guards. According to Israeli officials, they will be kept there until "things settle down a bit," such as 100 years after Mitt Romney dies, or Romney and Israel manage to have every dark-skinned and penniless heathen groveling at their feet while desperately apologizing for a wrong they committed years ago according to some twisted Hebrew gobbledygook.
Tawdry Soup contacted Schweitzer and asked, "Why didn't you change the course of world history by handing the fishy forms over to the American press?" Schweitzer claimed it was better the American people do not know what the rich were getting away with in America, because he has two homes in the US and doesn't want to see them destroyed by angry mobs once they found out the truth. Plus, the Israelis offered him a lot of money to keep the undisclosed location of the tainted tax forms undisclosed.
Schweitzer was also afraid the right-wing American press would perform not only a character assassination on him for showing evidence of Romney's criminal behavior, but he may end up getting mixed up in one of those American conservative-style "suicides" wherein he "jumps" from a 25 story building after a night of debauchery allegedly raping young boys. Yesterday, Schweitzer was seen teetering toward the fish market with a shiny new cane and solid gold-framed monocle.