Written by Lang Syne
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Wednesday, 8 August 2012

image for Bloomberg issues UZIs to toll keepers
Toll collectors defend themselves

Mayor Bloomberg, stymied in his efforts to regulate consumption of sugary drinks and his insistence on women suckling their new born, is now poised to issue Uzis to the toll collectors on the City's bridges.

This follows his moves to have all toll collectors attend Dale Carnegie courses to improve their manners and diction. Drivers, used to the impenetrable silences and threatening glares from these individuals, understood the toll collectors' radical change in attitude to be none other than an aggressive display of sarcasm delivered in an accent similar to the London Cockney.

It appears that the Dale Carnegie instructor did actually hail from London.

The furor brought about by the change in demeanor in the toll collectors, a massive shift from the surly to the outright effeminate, resulted in a backlash in the public mood, harmful to Bloomberg's political ambitions to run for a fourth, fifth and sixth term.

Needing the toll collectors' union to back him in during the election years to come, he gave in to demands to issue the Uzi's after three Verrazano Bridge toll collectors were kidnapped and held at gunpoint while Staten Island refugees, holed up in Brooklyn for months, unable to afford the tolls, sped past the toll booths for free, the cameras having been deactivated during the taking of the collectors.

This and further incidents of irate citizens hurling debris into the toll booths of what the public now perceived to be a bunch of girly boys attempting to speak like Madonna, convinced Bloomberg he had no choice.


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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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