In any other setting NRA President Wayne LaPierre's announcement of a new assault weapon capable of incinerating all within a six mile radius "depending on wind and topography" might have raised eyebrows if not incited panic. Not in Congress where federal lawmakers were falling over each other to be first to sing its praises following LaPierre's address to a joint session of both House and Senate.
"Our Second Amendment historians and experts agree with that guy on Beck's radio show who said the right to bear arms includes all manner of destructive force, even weapons grade yellowcake uranium-235 and plutonium," LaPierre declared. "If the framers of the Second Amendment had in mind a right to bear the musket that could be primed and loaded to fire a single projectile in seconds as well as the rapid firing hundred rounds a minute gun of today, than clearly they envisioned a smooth bore barrel not capable of firing even one shot besides the fireball reaching 10,000 degrees Fahrenheit," LaPierre explained matter of factly to an excited and receptive Congress.
"...And if it is our right to possess these AWMD it is certainly lawful to profit from their manufacture, sale and distribution by freedom loving Americans such as gun show dealers both licensed and unlicensed to God fearing patriots, sane as well as the not so much, no questions asked," LaPierre reasoned.
"Therefore I am happy to announce that the NRA has purchased the Yellowcake and Bake uranium mine in South Africa and heavy water centrifuges from Big Bangs R Us, the somewhat reputable North Korean Company that only wants to feed its people so we can meet the anticipated demand for the new red hot Glock and yellowcake shot... Sure. Each round of .02 ounce of U-235 yellowcake is pricey at $75.50. However, the high cost of security at our plants in Somalia, Pakistan, Afghanistan, Belarus, Chechnya and Kazakhstan to prevent fissionable materials from falling into the wrong hands simply must be passed on to our consumers. That's just common sense," explained LaPierre.
"We expect to clear five billion dollars in profit for NRA interests in the first year alone... Much of that, of course, will find its way to the coffers of our friends in Congress. You give us carte blanche to sell our arms and ammo to whomever, and we give you the resources you need to never lose an election... Heh. Heh." LaPierre added with a wink.
"Hear"! Hear"!... "Yippee kyyy yay"!... "Allrrighttt"!... "It's about TIME"!... "Woohooo"! were just some of the cries that reverberated throughout the chamber as those with any real chance of reelection rushed the podium to be photographed standing next to the NRA President and logo.
"Stand your ground in defense of self and others truly means something now," the usually sedate Senator Mitch McConnell yelled to reporters while gesticulating uncharacteristically wildly. Now an attack on any one of us is an attack on all of us in the surrounding city because all will know in very short order that another innocent someone somewhere not within line of sight or earshot has been criminally attacked," McConnell said summing it up for reporters.
Self described gun nut and Iowa Representative Steve King totally confounded onlookers who were not regular followers of King when he yelled to newsmen: "If only everybody in that movie theater or even just someone had one of these baby's trained on that killer we would not be wasting time on a trial for the guy. Hell! We would not still be talking about this today as simply a 'theater tragedy.' Come to think of it, the killer would be dead AND urban renewal in blighted areas of downtown Denver will have been hastened. Also no need to spend on Obamacare since most casualties would have been fatalities." Long time King observers were confident that King did not get the tragic irony inherent in his spoken words.
Some thoughtful (no doubt) reporter threw cold water all over the celebratory mood when he shouted out: "Sir, what about all the deaths, the millions of innocent lives caught up in all the one megaton fireballs, the destruction, nuclear fallout and environmental harm, the perception abroad that Americans are crazy"?
LaPierre did not mince words. "I, unlike Godless anti gun rights European liberals like yourself, have faith in the American people to use these Glocks only as a last resort... you know, where the alternative is a catastrophic loss of face, respect or even some drawn blood. I for one will not let a small dick get in the way of defending the ones I love... Oh wait. No... I mean a very large gun blocking dick. Yeah. That's what I meant to say," he said partially correcting himself.
"Is not Americans' precious right to bear arms to protect our profit motive based free enterprise system worth saving? Sure. There will be some collateral damage. But it is simply insane not to carry one of these Glocks when you know all the criminals, your neighbors, those you pass by on the street... could all be batshit crazy but they will have one and not be afraid to use them," LaPierre said apparently seriously.
"...And these new weapons will rake in the green because fear sells," LaPierre said rubbing his thumb and index finger together. "Guns are like booze. Just as 70% of the revenue from booze sales is from drunks, so too 70% of gun revenue comes from those who can't have just two or three guns to feed their paranoia," LaPierre said, perhaps honestly for once.
"When will these new Glocks become available, Mr. LaPierre"?
"Not until my family and I are safely into our underground bunker in northern Canada, and my dough is in a Swiss bank account."
"Bye," said the NRA President as he turned to leave the Capitol for the last time.