Written by Asheville Jack
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Tuesday, 31 July 2012

image for Romney Visits His Illegitimate Bastard Off-Shore Accounts

Septic, MA - A story in the current issue of Leader Breeders USA says Presidential candidate Mitt Romney's current Presidential overseas tour is nothing more that a cover-up to hide his visits to illegitimate bastard off-shore bank accounts, which he hasn't seen nor had a personal relationship with in years.

The bastard off-shore accounts, mostly the result of Romney's lost post Harvard years when he spent his days shooting up a mind bending concoction of pilfered US Treasury "green ink" and dry martinis, were quoted in the magazine as saying their famous father and Presidential candidate can "go fuck himself now" as they haven't even seen him in decades.

The bastard money accounts, now said to be in their teens and twenties, were watched over by Romney associates who quietly monitored their performance as they grew. Romney, the story goes on to claim, was quietly proud of his capital virility, but refused to even disclose the existence of the bastard off-shore accounts until recently.

Only since he has became the Republican candidate for President has Romney reluctantly disclosed the existence of one bastard off-shore account, adding under increasing public pressure that he will make public the existence of "one, and only one more," bastard off-shore account ahead of the general elections in November.

Romney, an international corporate-man, is said to have an unknown number of bastard off-shore accounts of various ages around the world. Rumored locations include London, Israel, Poland, Russia, China, India, Malaysia, Hong Kong and Mexico. These off-shore accounts are the real reason behind his world tour, says Leader Breeders USA.

The magazine goes on to add that Mrs. Romney, while aware of her husband's strange attraction to exotic and sexy off-shore accounts going back to before they were married, exploded in anger in February of 2012 when she discovered that he had fathered off-shore monetary progeny which he had kept hidden from her. "These are my step-accounts too, I guess, illegitimate bastards though they may be. And I don't even know their names."

Leader Breeders USA was also open in its criticism of Romney for his alleged failure to instill any true patriotic values in his children. Romney has five sons who range in age from 31 to 42 years of age. None of his children have ever served in any branch of the military during America's long battle against terrorism.

Several years ago at an Ask Romney Anything political rally a women wondered why none of the republican Presidential nominee sons ever served in the military. Romney expressed appreciation for the country's "volunteer army" and said that if elected "that's the way we're going to keep it.

He explained his sons had made different career choices in life and had not chosen to serve in the military but he mentioned a niece whose husband had just been called up by the National Guard.

He added that he respects and values "very highly those who make a decision to serve in the military" and that he personally donated $25,000 to various organizations that support military personnel.

But he wound up his response with this telling remark: "It's remarkable how we can show our support for our nation, and one of the ways my sons are showing support for our nation is helping to get me elected, because they think I'd be a great president. My son, Josh, bought the family Winnebago and has visited 99 counties, most of them with his three kids and his wife. I respect that and respect all of those in the way they serve this great country."

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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