Written by Brett Taylor
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Monday, 30 July 2012

image for Long John Comes Out As Chick-Fil-A Wars Escalate
Ronald McDonald

The fast food wars heated up today as restaurant icons took sides in the increasingly hostile Chick-Fil-A debate. The controversy began when Chick-Fil-A honcho Dan Cathay spoke out against gay marriage late last week. Since then, drag queens have been firebombing the franchise and even holding helpless cows hostage in protest. (Cows have long been sympathetic to the homophobic food chain, which encourages customers to eat more chicken, thus heating up already heated hostilities between the two most popular barn animals.

Events took a surprising turn as Long John Silver not only showed his support for gay marriage, but came out as gay as well. "I'm gay and I always have been," announced the pirate spokesperson. "For that matter, so is my parrot."

Many were shocked by the announcement. "I can't believe it," said Joe Hotewell of Lexington, Kentucky. "Who'd ever think a pirate could be gay?"

Others were not so shocked. "I'm not a bit surprised," said Faye Hunterton. "After all, he has the most literary pedigree of any fast food icon. I much prefer the Burger King. You don't have to have any fancy book learnin' to understand him."

As for the Burger King, he himself has remained silent but weirdly jovial on the whole issue. Some supporters fear if he does not speak out soon, his subjects may become impatient and he may have to abdicate his throne.

Colonel Sanders has done his best to remain neutral in the debate. "A true gentlemen never takes sides in other people's quarrels," he said yesterday. "Frankly, ah don't give a damn if yore queer, colored, Chinese, or some other weird damn thing. All the Colonel sees is yore money. Matter of fact, I stole my recipe from a gay Negro." Even say, rumor has it that security has been increased at the Colonel's fortified compound in North Corbin.

In another surprising turn of events, Ronald McDonald took sides in favor of Chick-Fil-A, in spite of a previous bitter rivalries between the two companies. Also many assumed that anyone who hung out with the Hamburglar must be gay, much less a clown in weird makeup and a ridiculous yellow polyester outfit. But the world's most famous clown today seemed hellbent on affirming his macho virility. Pumping a 12-gauge shotgun, the beloved children's icon spoke to a crowd of fundamentalist Christians in Oak Brook, Illinois. "These homos are threatenin' our way of life," he said. "It's one thing for them to carry on their butt' bangin' perversions in some closet somewhere. Heck, even I like to dress up occasionally. But when these queers are tryin' to infiltrate the Boy Scouts, it's time for every God-fearin' American to stand up for the children."

Some critics feel McDonald is opposed to liberal values on a knee-jerk basis because he fears the intrusion of health food diets, but he denied this line of reasoning. "Let the commies bring on their broccoli and their zucchini, see if I give a good God damn. But the hard working people of America know that nothing fills you up like a hearty Big Mac slathered with cheese and grease."

McDonald is reportedly no longer on speaking terms with the pigtailed redhead Wendy, who is well known in the Dublin, OH area as a club-going "fag hag."

Yes, it seems like today's fast food users are now facing more profound issues than yesterday's simple "Would you like fries with that?"

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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