Mitt Romney announced today to a shocked press corps that if elected President "I will appoint Roger Ailes to head my new Cabinet level Department of Myths, Fables, Fictions and Assholes."
"Nobody does made up stuff better than Roger," explained Romney. "As chief at Fox News for the past sixteen years, his record is a sterling one in that regard. His editing staff at Fox and Friends is second to none. Roger knows the power of word juxtaposition in editing to make someone appear to have said the opposite of what one actually said. It is word(not photo)shopping at its very best," Romney added with a wink.
"You will recall Roger had Obama saying recently: 'If we talk about the economy we are going to lose' when what Obama really said was not recently but in 2008, and it was John McCain who said it. Obama was merely quoting what John McCain said during that Presidential election campaign. Classic"! Romney yelled and chuckled.
"You all saw the President's speech the other day in which he pointed out the important part that roads, bridges and infrastructure play in the success of any business-- same as I have pointed out many times before. Of course, the President and I were talking about the investment of taxpayer monies for the capital projects that enable our businesses to prosper, the police to protect our businesses, the teachers to educate our employees and so forth."
"Well, guess what. Where some see indisputable facts, Roger sees facts to manipulate," Romney said in full guffaw mode by now.
"When the President said small businesses did not build 'that' or those things which were built by shared taxpayers' money, Roger and Fox News showed us how to edit the tape to make it appear Obama said small business owners did not work hard to build their own businesses. You saw the outraged business owner in our campaign commercial who said business owners were 'demonized' by the President. Right? Now the President's poll ratings among small business owners has gone down. "Ingenious"! Romney exclaimed.
"The best part was Fox's Brian Kilmeade interviewing two little girls, aged four and seven, who had their own lemonade stand. The seven year old was saying she thought it was 'rude' of the President. I mean who is going to correct that sweet little misinformed girl's false impression, just one of thousands of facts that these masters of misinformation over at Fox misrepresent each day"? Romney asked through tears of laughter.
"Roger knows that many Americans prefer the narrative that fits their pre conceived notions to the honest to God's truth. It is similar to Wayne LaPierre's business model over at the NRA where if you repeat some baseless belief often enough, people will believe it is fact."
"Roger has perfected that business model over at Fox News, and he will bring that same skill at telling the American people what they want to believe to my new Administration. Every other cabinet department will have to run all their press releases through these guys at my DMFFA."
"I certainly hope that Rush Limbaugh is in the mix for an assistant asshole position there as well, my friends," Mitt concluded, bursting into uncontrollable laughter while reporters present were left scratching their heads in stunned silence.