It all seemed like a ridiculous joke when the mayor of Scranton, Pennsylvania imposed a minimum wage requirement on all city employees a couple of weeks back, claiming that he needed to close a budget gap that had a couple of numbers in front followed by a whole lot of zeros. But, apparently it's true. Scranton will no longer be known as the town with 30000 lbs of smashed bananas all over its highway as was epitomized by Harry Chapin. Apparently, the city employees may as well be selling bananas now.
Yes, every city employee from the assistant mayor down to the guy that hangs around your house threatening to cite you for missing a spot on your mowed lawn, will all get paid the same, which is pretty much next to nothing.
The reaction from all the city employees was shock, despair and anger over having to wear those stupid 7-Elventy hats and dumb striped shirts. That is, except for that guy who hangs around your house threatening to cite you for missing a spot on your mowed lawn because he actually got paid less than minimum wage. Now the sucker is happy that he just got himself a raise. After 20 years, mind you.
Scranton, PA Mayor ScrewU has announced that everybody who visits the city will be royally welcomed with a Big Gulp given to them by one of the city employees.
"Take the Big Gulp", stated Mayor ScrewU. "But whatever you do, don't eat those hot dogs on those twirly things behind that glass case. Believe me they've been there since Teddy Roosevelt was president. I do believe they were left over from the charge of the Sandy Juanita Hill. Sandy Juanita Hill was hot in the day, otherwise, why would all those guys want to run up on top of her".
"But hey, this is all for the bitter good, and I love bitters, as well as Jack Daniels, Smirnoff and that other Mexicany drink that has a spider in it. Yes, I know, people keep telling me all the time that the Mexicany drink has a worm in it, but, hey drink a fifth of that sucker and come and tell me it's not a spider jumping out of it".
"Now if you would all excuse me, I'm going to go and kill that giant scorpion that is trying to destroy our city".