The Texas State Legislature today took a bold and rather stunning step to deflect unwanted attention from its earlier passage of a voter ID law that permitted concealed firearms permits to pass for valid voting Id while barring student Ids for the same purpose. The Legislature has been roundly criticized for favoring concealed gun permit holders over those who do not have concealed gun permits for the guns they carry while at the same time banning students from voting "unless they get a concealed gun permit or buy a house or something" in the bill's own language.
In a complete turnaround, Joe Straus, Speaker of the House, announced the passage of House Bill 39, "A bill to show Texas is on the forefront of expanding voter rights for all our citizens, including even some of those who lack opposable thumbs", the Speaker announced passage of the new law while standing on the Capitol steps. The new voter Id law still bans use of student Ids, but now permits "all labrador retrievers not less than 21 inches tall per AKC standards who have resided in the State of Texas for not less than 30 days and who are at least 18 years of age or 2.5 dog years and have the papers to prove it... except that no coloreds or mixed breeds shall be permitted to vote under any (no way) circumstances."
"This unequivocally shows that the great state of Texas is devoted to expanding the right to vote to good ole boys as long as they are not black or chocolate labs," Representative Straus explained.
"I myself am the proud owner of a very good boy, my yellow lab Boomer, who can now vote as he will be three in October.
Straus seemed taken aback by the barrage of shouted questions from reporters present. "Please. Please. One question at a time. It is really not rocket science why students are deemed inferior to labs. The House Committee on Thinking Outside the Litter Box heard extensive testimony. I understand the most powerful testimony came from retriever owners themselves. There was not a bad boy or girl in the lot. One expert swore under oath that his lab was smarter than 'your honor student.' Another testified that he had to put his lab to sleep just days before due to cancer and cried like a baby. His lab never got to vote to influence FDA policy that could have expedited the cancer treatment that could have saved him. That was pretty powerful stuff," Straus said with tears in his eyes.
Dog Fancy reporter Jodi Chow was troubled first, that not all dog breeds could vote and second, that black and chocolate labs "seemed to be unfairly discriminated against for no rhyme or reason," she claimed, perhaps forgetting her neutral media role. "I mean, does not the Texas State Legislature realize yellow, black, chocolate, even golden retrievers are all the same dog wearing different colored suits," she asked?
"I want to be very careful here not to offend, but I think the very extensive expert testimony from the finest retrieving schools and animal hospitals in Texas would disagree with your premise, Ms. Chow. In fact black and chocolate labs do lack the necessities to vote intelligently for the Republican candidate," the Speaker replied.
A by now outraged Ms. Chow shifted her line of question to the process of lab voting. "How exactly will a lab vote? How will it signify its choice? How in the world will a distracted two and a half year old lab on a scent focus first on going into the voting booth and second, pulling the lever he means to pull"?
"Very good questions, Ms. Chow. Such a bold law as this will have kinks that the Department of Elections will have to work out. To be sure, many yellows look alike; and so each who votes will have to have an 'I have voted' sticker to prevent multiple voting."
"No doubt we will need expert critical thinkers from outside the state of Texas on account of our new school policy prohibiting teachers from messing with our children's 'fixed' views by encouraging critical thinking. Come to think of it, this law may be the product of such a forward looking policy," Straus concluded.