BOSTON (July 18)-Already tiring of the continually mocking, whining criticism from the U.S. press corps, Mitt Romney has decided to end the VP search effective immediately; he announced today that he will run on the Republican ticket as the candidate for both the Presidency and Vice Presidency.
"Look people-I was vetted as the best VP candidate back in 2008, and what was true then is true now. I'd make a great vice President," said Romney. "I mean, the veep candidates we looked at in the course of this campaign are all chumps compared to the 2008 Mitt.
"Tim Pawlenty, for example. He was the Governor of Minnesota a couple of times in a row. Our polling says most of the likely republican voters don't even know Minnesota is a state, for God's sake! I can't deal with this guy. The moment he comes in the room I start yawning. I don't drink coffee, OK people? Dealing with Tim Pawlenty means you walk around with a coffee pot in one hand and a bottle of no-doze in your other.
"Marco Rubio-there's another one. He's the opposite of Pawlenty. I let this guy talk for like 30 seconds and I just want to punch him in the face. 'Shut up, Marco! Just SHUT UP!' Finally he left. Christ!
"Don't even talk about Bobby Jindal, OK? Don't even go there. Who came up with that idea again? Oh yes-the guy who threw 'Sarah Palin' in last time. The democratic mole from the last campaign. I fired that guy. I just fired him. Fired him and it felt really good. I mean, why don't we just pick Ralph Nader, for God's sake!
"So I almost picked this guy Rob Portman from Ohio, because we need some help there, and anything will help. I mean, it can't hurt, can it? I asked him if he knew Natalie Portman, just to break the ice. You know, after the handshake. As a little joke. But he didn't say anything-just kind of gave me a blank stare. Lacking in the charisma department, OK? I tried to make a joke and he just left it hanging there. I'm being completely honest here: the guy gave me the creeps.
"So there you have it folks. 'Romney/Romney 2012' has a nice ring to it. This is the best of both worlds for the America. Two Mitts for the price of one."