Written by Jon Campbell .
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Topics: America, Iraq

Thursday, 8 June 2006

image for Marines Squeal Over the Use of Wimpy Ammunition

Baghdad, Iraq (ANP) - For over thirty years the United States Marines had relied on wussy ammunition to defeat America's enemies. But after a series of fiascos in Iraq where Marines have used up to ten rounds in a single incident to kill a blind insurgent the Marine Corps had decided enough-was-enough and issued the following statement:

"We believe that the 5.56 mm bullet used today against Al-Qaeda is not big enough. We found that it takes at lest ten or twenty bullets to kill one stinking terrorist. This is unacceptable. We need bigger bullets if we are to stop terrorist dead in their tracks."

Family members of many marines had expressed similar concerns. "I am astonished that we are still using bullets from Vietnam. Everyone knows that we lost the war because of inferior bullets. Oh and that bastard Johnson helped too." said Avery Johnson (no relationship to the former president).

The pentagon began to investigate the wimpy bullet theory in early 2004. A spokesman for the pentagon said "Well we all know that the 5.56 mm isn't a great bullet, but the soldiers using them seem to appreciate the extra bullets needed to kill insurgents. Matter of fact, we studied over fifty marines in the war zone during happy hour and found that most of them were having a blast shooting terrorist ten or twenty times."

Other studies conducted by the Army suggested that the Marines were just being too thin-skinned. A Navy report also concluded in their report on wimpy bullets that the Marines needed more sensitivity training or become better marksmen.

However, Staff Sergeant Gunsforhire, the most senior marine in Iraq doesn't agree with all the fuss and said "Come'on, its fun. We shoot them a couple times and they just jump back up again. It's like one of those arcade games. Where else can you go for this much fun and get paid?"

The President had expressed concern over the weekend of the wimpy bullet issue while visiting several munitions factories in his home state. However, the President declined to comment while busy shooting the latest Glock from East German maker, Halliburton.

Congress is expected to take up the issue in a special session after the July 4th holiday weekend. Members of congress are expected to vote on a bigger bullet policy for American troops and tackle the problem of gay marriages among teens.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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