Written by Pistol Whalon
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Topics: Murder, Senate

Wednesday, 7 June 2006

image for Kennedy introduces new legislation granting criminals victim status
Kennedy counts down minutes until Happy Hour

In a surprising move, Ted "Chappy" Kennedy introduced a bill in the Senate this week declaring that all criminals committing violent crimes will be considered victims and treated as such. The mandatory sentences for murder, rape, armed robbery, and assault and battery will be greatly reduced under this bill. In a passionate speech from the Senate floor Kennedy revealed the thinking behind his controversial bill.

"We, as caring Americans, must come to grips with the undeniable fact that anyone committing a violent crime has had to endure severe trauma, physical and psychological abuse, and discrimination at some point in their lives. We, as understanding Americans, must realize that it's not their fault for the crimes they have committed. Society and the Republicans are to blame. President Bush is the guilty party responsible for these crimes. We cannot, in good conscience…burrrrp… place the blame on these abused individuals. They are as much a victim as the victim of their crimes-in fact, in many cases, they are more of a victim. Take my nephew, Patrick, please! Just kidding. These unfortunate people do not belong in prison! They should be back on the street where they can deal with their crisis.

"My bill will also allow us to close over three hundred prisons in the country and save the tax payers billions of dollars, which we will get back with next years tax increases. If you vote against this compassionate bill you are as evil as President Bush. So, I urge my brothers across the aisle, vote for this important bill that the American people support. As I like to say, a criminal on the street is worth two in stir! Burrrp…hahahah…burrrp…hahaha."

Immediately after his speech Robert Bird jumped to his feet and requested that Kennedy
repeat his statements. Apparently Bird had dozed of just after he began. Senator Kennedy thanked Bird but declined, saying, "Senator, I would love to hear myself talk some more, however, we all know that after five p.m. there's only one thing on my mind and it comes in a decorative bottle." Unfortunately, Senator Bird had nodded off again, and missed Uncle Ted's rejection.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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