Washington DC - Your money isn't good here anymore. A new ruling by the Federal Reserve prohibits Americans from "owning, possessing or utilizing" money, in any shape or form, under the threat of life imprisonment.
The prohibition is at the heart of a bipartisan program called "Your Money or Your Life," a four-year effort to find a solution to the ongoing economic crisis.
"It turns out that money really is the root of all evil," said Federal Reserve Chairman Ben Bernanke. "The program's researchers found that Americans are bad with money. They don't know how to save it. They don't know how to spend it. And most alarmingly, they don't know how to make it."
Those findings have prompted the Federal Reserve to reverse its monetary policy. "We have been pumping trillions of dollars into the economy with nothing to show for it. Now we want the money back. In fact, we want to have all of the money, so we can eliminate it completely," Bernanke said.
Comparing the new effort to the War on Poverty or the War on Drugs, the Fed Chairman expressed optimism that the War On Cash would be as successful as its predecessors.
"We're swamped in illegal narcotics since the War on Drugs began," the Fed chairman said. "And poverty is bigger than ever since we declared war on it. I'm confident that the War on Cash will deliver unprecedented heights of prosperity."
To enforce the order, the Treasury Department is in the process of converting the Internal Revenue Service into the world's first Cash Crash Team. Currency sniffing dogs will be dispatched at all airports and train terminals. And Cash in America bonfires will be available during evening hours in every Walmart parking lot.
"Americans love their money, so it's going to take time, and some strict enforcement, to ween them off their greedy habit," Bernanke said.
What will replace the cash economy? "We will start everybody off with a strict allowance of Goldman Sachs credits. If they ask for any more, they will be sent directly to jail without their supper. Best of all, I don't have to meet ever again with that Jamie Dimon character."