Written by alaskamojo
Rating:

Share/Bookmark
Print this
Topics: Guns, NRA

Monday, 9 July 2012

image for NRA President: Guns Don't Kill People But Little Balls of Lead Discharged from Gun Barrels at 3,400 Feet Per Second That Tear through Flesh, Tissue, Bone and Major Organs May Have Teensy Bit to Do with It
ATF Evildoers Have No Sense of Decency Says Wayne LaPierre

NRA President Wayne LaPierre startled newsmen today with a most graphic concession. While holding out his thumb and index finger with tips barely touching, he acknowledged that although no one can deny that people kill people, guns may have "a teensy bit" to do with what he called "the killing process."

"Don't get me wrong here. I want to choose my words very carefully and not get off message," LaPierre cautioned.

"It is the person gripping something that looks like a gun with his finger on something that could be a trigger who actually sets the apparent hammer mechanism into the motion that inadvertently causes a small gunpowder specimen enclosed in a steel jacket to explode forcing a lead ball to be propelled through a steel tube at the meteoric velocity capable of tearing human tissue to shreds. However the gun's actual role in all of this is overplayed by a sensationalistic media not interested in the truth about the innocent gun thing," LaPierre added with a sigh.

"There. I have said it. Are you all happy now"?

"Look at this," he said, while removing a Smith & Wesson 45 from his belt and laying it on the lectern. "This innocent little baby here is just an inanimate object that will lay there forever if no one touches it. It is incapable of acting in any manner, let alone a violent one... and it doesn't matter whether I hit, kick or throw it. There is no provocation that will incite it to retaliate in any harmful way, shape or form. All the media mongers want to do is scapegoat the gun just because some misbehaving human baby holds it the wrong way and sends a projectile through and through its own soft skull and brain tissue, and those of his delinquent baby mates," LaPierre said above the gasps of reporters present.

"Is this any reason to penalize responsible gun dealers and gun shop owners and the tens of thousands of irresponsible licensed and unlicensed gun dealers who are living the American dream by raking in cash hand over fist from the Mexican drug cartels in dealing semi automatics with the firepower necessary to defend turf from disrespecters and drug thieves"? Is there no end to the evildoers at the U.S. Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco and Firearms who have not gotten the memo that U.S. anti gun smuggling laws are nonexistent? How can anyone possibly notice the elephant in the room that is big profits? No. Wait. Don't print that... For God's sake, it is the Second Amendment's right to bear and shoot firearms we are talking about," he screamed apoplectically.

"I rest my case... and my sawed off shotgun here," LaPierre concluded while oozing with self satisfied conviction.

Make alaskamojo's day - give this story five thumbs-up (there's no need to register, the thumbs are just down there!)

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

If you fancy trying your hand at comedy spoof news writing, click here to join!

Print this


Share/Bookmark

Mailing List

Get Spoof News in your email inbox!

Email:

What's 3 multiplied by 2?

2 14 20 6

Go to top