Written by Jon Campbell .
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Topics: Ohio

Friday, 2 June 2006

image for Man shoots pill into rectum with handgun
...will get to the root of the problem.

Columbus, Ohio (ANP) - Within minutes of firing the bullet, James Wakersfield knew something was wrong. The projectile had lodged inside his stomach instead of where he originally intended.

Doctors at St. Mary's hospital performed twelve hours of emergency surgery to remove the suppository that had entered young James Wakersfield.

Asked for an explanation the hospital release the following statement.

"Mr. Wakersfield had tried to insert a suppository inside his rectum after several unsuccessful attempts used a small caliber handgun loaded with blanks. Apparently, Mr. Wakersfield believed that using a .22 caliber would be okay.

However, after regaining consciousness Mr. Wakersfield came to realize that he had mis-understood what he thought would happen.

His family doctor was quoted as saying "We are just grateful that he didn't try to use a bigger gun because that might have caused more reproductive injuries and possibly brain damage had the bullet lodged an inch closer," said Dr. Handsfull.

Several days after the incident, Mr. Wakersfield decided to retire from the police force. He cited the need to find another occupation after fellow co-workers continued to chide him for the miss-fired event.

Family members continued to visit Mr. Wakersfield in the hospital, but would not comment on specifics. However, a close friend and neighbor did report hearing strange a noise coming from the house moments before the near fatal shot was fired.

According to the National Center for Proactive Medicines, "This is not uncommon. We've had to decide on a national policy to advise doctors in rural communities about using firearms to accelerate the purpose of most medicines. We have seen an increase in this problem for the past two years."

Of the two hundred and two near anal fatalities last year, twenty-two were the result of firing medicine from a handgun into the rectum. This number is expected to increase with the cost of Medicare and foreign imports of lesser drugs.

The President's counsel on alternate means for drug introduction continues to debate a need for national understanding and education. After several exhaustive studies an independent commission was formed to pursue other approaches to the problem. The Chairman, Kenneth Star, was quoted as saying "We will spare no expense to get at the truth to this problem. Money is not an issue. We believe in learning everything there is to know before issuing a report."

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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