Written by poeticsatire
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Wednesday, 4 July 2012

Leading pro-life groups have extended their anti-abortion campaign to post-Eucharistic stools. According to the pro-lifers, it is a "blasphemous, anti-life abomination" to empty one's bowels within 48 hours of consuming the body of Christ during religious services.

Sympathising medical equipment manufacturers have been quick off the mark to provide special incubators - marketed as "stinkubators" - for Eucharistic stools that were inadvertently terminated by parents before the latest announcement of the protections extended by pro-life groups to what they are calling "excretuses" and "faecuses." One leading pro-life campaigner made the following statement:

"In our fight for the sanctity of life we must now recognise the sacred and sentient being that is the post-Eucharistic stool. Whether male or female, consumers of the body of Christ are urged to carry their stool to the prescribed term of 48 hours which gives the unborn faecus the correct amount of time to gestate and form into a full stool. I have spoken with leading medical experts about this miraculous revelation and they recommend a low fibre diet with little fluid for the duration of a post-Eucharistic preganancy."

However, pharmaceutical chains are reporting a rise in the sale of over the counter laxatives which are reportedly being used to perform unsafe abortions by persons with crisis pregnancies. Pro-choice groups are urgently calling on their respective governments to provide legislation to extend protections to those with unwanted post-Eucharistic pregnancies.

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