Wash., D. C. -- To celebrate the 20th anniversary of his 1986 special on the opening of Al Capone's secret vault, TV personality Geraldo Rivera will be hosting a show to reveal to the world the contents (recently seized by the FBI) from the office of bribery suspect Representative William Jefferson. Geraldo predicts that his Jefferson special will be 'off the charts' in the television ratings war, saying, "After all, my Al Capone special yielded nothing but a couple of shovelfuls of dirt, but it was still the highest-rated syndicated special in television history."
Television analysts predict high audience interest in the planned show, especially in Representative Jefferson's home district in Louisiana. Some constituents call Jefferson "Dollar Bill" and were appalled to hear about the $90,000 the FBI found in Jefferson's kitchen freezer. Others, however, were more understanding. One supporter felt that stockpiling $90,000 was not at all unusual in this day and age, pointing out that Jefferson owns an SUV. "Hey, he may need gas money." And another supporter told the media that Jefferson was a clean freak, who often laundered his money in the washing machine. "Then sometimes when he took it out of the dryer it was too hot to handle, so he cooled it off in the fridge. What's the problem?"
Geraldo is delighted that President Bush (bowing to the members of Congress who were appalled by the FBI raid) has declared a 45-day cooling off period, during which time the Justice Department will not have access to the seized materials. "This builds up suspense for the audience," Geraldo has stated. "We're lucky to have a free-publicity countdown to my Jefferson special."
Rumors abound that the contents of the office go far beyond materials related to a possible bribery scandal and include items such as: Monica's little black dress, a Swift Boat, cooked books from Enron, a tape containing the infamous 18-minute gap in the Nixon Watergate tapes, Texas National Guard records from the 1970s, and evidence that will conclusively prove just who it was that threw the overalls in Mrs. Murphy's chowder.
Geraldo refused to comment about these possibilities. He merely smiled and said, "You'll just have to tune in. Believe me, there will be a lot of dirt. And this time around, it won't be of the garden variety."