Written by K.C. Bell
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Topics: White House, Polls

Wednesday, 31 May 2006

image for ER For Bush Polls
"Step right up, sweetheart."

Alarmed by sickening poll figures and fearing the upcoming November election, the Bush White House has formulated a prescription for success called: ER For Bush Polls. Though not running for public office, the President's men suspect that the coming election might just result in a Democratic victory of both houses, along with the possibility of impeachment. Ouch.

Brainchild of political strategist Karl Rove, the plan is for Laura Bush to undertake all future press conferences and give the next State of the Union speech. Starting his first term in office, President Bush boasted that his wife did not detract from him. Now, however, he is using his wife the way a lion tamer uses a chair.

Forming the PLY acronym, the White House will announce the Republican party is against pedophiles, leprosy and yellow teeth. Rove dropped the T for teeth, as PLYT might just create a negative connotation. On the other hand, they could have announced being against pedophiles, immigrants, speaking Spanish, ethanol and divorce, creating a totally different, but more accurate acronym. AA.

While scare tactics were used so successfully in previous elections, the PLY argument promises to throw the Democrats into a self-destruct tail spin, seeking refuge with a grilling vegetarian barbecue, followed by an afternoon of wind surfing and confusion.

Before being torpedoed and finally sent to Davey Jones' locker, plans are in the works to fire up the tired old Swift Boat Veterans for Truth. Any story is okay. Their faded sail will read: Win one more for the Decider.

The President will land on another aircraft carrier and a banner will read: This time, the mission is really accomplished.

For the October surprise, or code blue, the U. S. will withdraw troops from Iraq and return Saddam Hussein as head of Iraq. A nifty dresser, Saddam will begin wearing bow ties and checkered blazers. He'll be set to stand in the middle of a Baghdad square, on top of a pile of bombed out cars, a megaphone in one hand, and yell: "Can you hear me now? Yeah? Well, guess what? I'm back."

These shenanigans aren't quite as slick as the Wag The Dog script, but it's Washington, not Hollywood.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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