At a press conference that was held this afternoon at an undisclosed location at Vinny's Sewage and Body Parts Disposal Plant, located at 11524 Drubbing Street, Newark, New Jersey, the head of Homeland Security, Janet Napolitano defended new regulations that were given to US Border Agents which now requires them to: Run and hide from any active gunman. How the border agents were to determine whether the gunman was active or not was never fully explained during the press conference.
From a closed locker with a peephole in the men's locker room at Vinny's Sewage, Janet Napolitano explained to the press the importance of having border agents run and hide from active gunmen and pretty much anyone else that looks really fucking scary or who's trying to conduct a survey about aliens invading the US.
"It's really quite simple and best for all of us", espoused the muffled voice of Janet Napolitano from behind the locker door. This reporter would address Janet Napolitano as Mrs. Napolitano, but honestly, did someone really marry her? "
"This is safer because that way you don't get shot. Let the gunman or gunmen shoot all the people who don't want to pay more taxes for law enforcement, roads and that place that lets women to decide whether or not to have an annoying bugger infested scion by giving away all those free condominiums".
"Believe me. I am great at running and hiding. Why do you think I put Jerry Feel-Around in charge of the TSA? So I can hide behind him when everyone gets really pissed off about being groped. Heck, I haven't gone to a presidential event or meeting ever since I've been head of Homeland Security. I just send someone to take a life-sized cardboard cutout of me to the meeting or the event and stick me somewhere out of everyone's way. I mean, I've heard that during White House events that people have been so pissed off at me they've put their cigarettes out on my cutout".
"Well, they weren't real cigarettes they were e-cigarettes. I mean, New York Mayor Bloomberg and his staff visit the White House quite frequently. Everyone knows Bloomberg's staff because those are all the people with the really little sodas".
After the press conference, Janet Napolitano invited everyone from the press to a dinner compliments of her at the local Grope A Dope. For security purposes, she attended disguised as a sack of potatoes. When everyone was done eating and before the check arrived, she ran out on the check and hid in a warehouse a block from the station. Unfortunately, the warehouse just happened to be a french fries processing plant.