Washington DC - Desperate to take the lead in the nation's never-ending healthcare debate, Congressional Republicans are massing behind an initiative that would provide all Americans with a do-it-yourself medical kit containing everything they need to be their own physician.
Called Dr. DIY, the kit-based plan would balance the federal budget by reducing healthcare costs to virtually zero, according to Republican legislators.
"Once people have their Dr. DIY kits in hand, they will be fully equipped to address virtually any medical problem on their own," said Dr. Zach Orilliac, who served as technical advisor to the plan. "That eliminates the need for expensive visits to the doctor's office, high priced prescriptions and costly hospital stays."
Democrats, led by Pres. Obama, immediately shouted down the measure, pointing out that most Americans receive no training as physicians and therefore are unqualified to treat themselves or their families.
"Leave it to the Democrats not to recognize the new freedoms this program provides to the American people," Orilliac said. "It's true that a person who serves as his own lawyer has a fool for a client. But someone who serves as his own doctor never has to worry about being hit with a malpractice suit."
The House Speaker went on to describe the contents of the do-it-yourself kit. "Dr. DIY works because we keep it simple," Orilliac said. "For most problems or aches and pains, Tylenol will do the trick. So our kit contains a 250 unit bottle of that medication.
"For major problems, we provide a small bottle of cyanide capsules," Orilliac continued. "These are just like the kind the spies carry in the movies. So there is a high coolness factor here. And we bundle them with an instructional booklet called "The Kevorkian Diet: 30 Days to a Slimmer Corpse."