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Topics: Iraq, missing

Saturday, 27 May 2006

image for Missing Iraq WMD Turn Up In Abandoned Bowling Alley
New Press Secretary O'Reilly Denies Rumors of Govt. Involvement In Shocking WMD Discovery

Moline, Indiana -- The unmarked, gunmetal grey 18-wheelers which began a two week period of constant comings and goings in early January, 2003, did arouse the suspicions of some of the residents of the "Grande Finale Trailer Village". The Village is located on the opposite side of Hwy 37 from the abandoned "Ten Pin Alley Bowlerama". Most folks just assumed that the equipment was being removed by the owners for resale, but some swore they never saw anything being taken out of the building.

Village residents also reported that in more recent years the abandoned, boarded structure had become what an elderly Villager described as "the Homeless Community Center." It was one of the homeless citizens whose curiosity was aroused by the "bogus shape of the (expletive) bowling pins, man."

Matt Gnarleson, or Gnarly, as he is known to his peers (the transients who've enjoyed his hospitality in the eighteen months or so prior to his momentous discovery) decided he would investigate the fiscal implications of said discovery for a time before alerting the authorities. Gnarleson, a veteran of the Vietnam Conflict, had some knowledge of munitions, and figured the oddly shaped pins were bombs. He availed himself of the services of some of his contacts, "My underworld think tank", as he often refers to them.

He could find no one willing to risk investing in his small time arms dealing, and when he revealed the quantity of materiel he had uncovered, the potential buyers adjourned the meeting in a nervous rush to the exits.

During the two days prior to the rapid descent of an army of agents (from a smorgasboard of intelligence-gathering communities, and representatives of several branches of the military) and the removal of virtually the entire contents of the facility, something happened. And if it had not happened, this story may not have seen the light of day for years, if ever.

Gnarleson still had the grimy business card of a photo-journalist from the local weekly, Moline Journal Advertiser. Gnarly had been the focus of an article about urban blight around the periphery of Moline proper, and the homeless "problem".
Gnarly spoke to the journalist and they arranged a time to inspect the munitions stockpile. As a result, hundreds of photos, reams of documents , a computer with records of the purchase of WMD from a phantom Halliburton subsidiary (White Devil Enterprises) by none other than evil dictator in the making, Sadam Hussein. Receipts of shipment, notebooks with coordinates to the location sites of other WMD caches in the United States; it all seemed to add up to an unexplainable scenario, which included selling the WMD to Hussein in the 80's, then stealing them back in secret commando raids just after the first Gulf War. The raiders replaced the real WMD with virtually undetectable duplicates with inert payloads. The real weapons contained a deadly cocktail of biological toxins or quick acting, fatal nerve gas.

The cache in the bowling alley was evidently only a small part of the original shipment, and what plan the perpetrators had for the eventual use or disposal of the hellish stockpile can only be "the subject of speculation for the pundits and conspiracy theorists", as new Press Secretary, Bill O'Reilly, replied to a throng of uncharacteristically aggressive agents of the Third Estate. He, of course, could not comment on any of the ongoing investigations, other than to "categorically deny the internet crypto-bloggists and their America-Hating claims of government involvement in this most recent exercise in Liberal Myth-making."

The Senate, now Democratically controlled after the mid-term elections, came out resoundingly for the immediate formation of a non-partisan investigative team to examine the documents and photographic evidence. There are currently 75 such investigative probes into various Government activities, costing tax-payers two billion dollars a day. The president promised to create more jobs and he has delivered big time; over 1500 employees are engaged in the investigative efforts.

Gnarleson is unimpressed with the numbers. He is unable to find a job in Moline. He is bitter, and he is angry at the US Government or "whoever the hell put that (expletive) in my house, man! You don't (expl.) expect to find (expl.) WMD in your (expl.) home, man! Where you (expl.) eat and (expl.) sleep and (expl.), man."

Gnarly has become quite the iconoclastic political theorist since his brush with the scary, secretive face of the Executive Branch. "Bill Clinton gets (expl.) impeached and spayed for getting a (expl.) hand job. Ol' Bush he just keeps pickin' and grinnin' after he (expl.) the country in the (expl.) 75 times, ya gotta hand it to the (expl.). Maybe (expl) God did pick the little (expl.) for President."

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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