Washington DC - (Associated Mess): In a bravura performance worthy of the ultimate accolade from the American Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences, Nobel Peace Prize nominees Tony Blair and George Bush last night blagged their way out of the 'Saddam-Oil-for-Fraud' fiasco on prime-time coast-to-coast, vowing to gag jailed Washington lobbyist Jack Abramoff with so much legal red tape that a 'spontaneous' fatal heart attack was odds-on to occur before his January 2007 DC court testimony.
But as Abramoff watched the TV address from the confines of the Florida slammer, he grinned knowingly and recalled his lawyers' recent advice which echoed spookily around the 8ft by 10 cell as the heavenly strains of an old Creedence Clearwater number rang out loud and clear in his head:
"If you ever in Houston
You know you better walk right
You better not gamble
You know you better not fight
Because Fitzgerald will grab ya
You know he'll bring ya down
And the next thing you'll know boy
Is that you're Guantanamo-bound"............
Throughout the live press coverage of the televised event , Prime Minister Blair smiled awkwardly as a nervous tic in the corner of one eye signalled that he had only just recently become aware that NATO top brass had tailed his cosa nostra career for the last 40 years.
And that NATO files held all the legal documents illustrating his IRA Army Council command post activities in recruiting Global Peace Process luminaries such as Carlos the Jackal, General Pinochet, Saddam Hussein, Pol Pot, Osama Bin Laden, Robert Mugabe, assorted Bader Meinhof apparatchicks and the Unification Church's Reverend Sun Myung Moon.
Much empathy between him and President Bush was evident in the strained news conference banter. The President said he hoped Mr Blair would remain in Downing Street for as long as he himself remained on the pay-roll on the White House's Osteoporosis Division of the Ancient American Order of the Skull 'N' Bones
UK bookmakers Aintgottaprayer.com responded immediately and posted odds of 6/4 ON that such an event would not last beyond Abramoff's first day before a Washington DC Grand Jury next year.
Midway through the TV press conference a member of the UK journos' team asked Mr Blair if it was "possibly your last official visit to Washington as Prime Minister before the men in white coats arrive to take you and your wife Cherie for an indefinite stay at HMP Belmarsh?", also quizzing Mr Bush about what in particular he would miss about his close ally.
"Hmm - I'll miss those duty free bottles of Jack Daniels that always arrive in Tony's Diplomatic Bag, that's what I'll miss," Mr Bush replied, "Not to mention those Complementary Therapy healing white powders that Cherie so kindly ships in for me from Bogota each month".
Mr Blair refused to be drawn, commenting to awkward press laughter: "Well, what more can I say? Probably best to stay Mumm".....before imploring the British press to "ask a few serious questions".
The conference ended abruptly after Mr Blair successfully dodged some pithy probing by UK hacks about rumours that eldest son Euan Blair had recently experienced one of the CIA's no-frills low-cost extraordinary rendition flights straight back to London after confusing the words "office" and "orifice" during his three month internship with the Republican Watergate Stink Tank.
"That's all behind him now", he muttered enigmatically before the President dragged him off by the arm to the hospitality wing of the White House where wives Cherie and Laura were anxiously waiting the brothers' return....