The Center for Diseased Conditions in Atlanta Ga. announced early Thursday that a mutant strain of the dreaded KMA2 nerve virus - which renders individuals incapable of coherent thought, and likely to react violently to things like flies and grey shirts - has been identified, and that it may be responsible for a string of 'cannibalistic' type outrages across the US.
"We isolated the new viral strain following an outbreak in Virginia," Professor Simone Simenon of the CDC announced. "We can't say much more at this point, but it appears to be a mutant strain of KMA2 - which we named KMA3 - and it appears to react with devastating effect on the prefrontal lobes of the brain. The devastation wreaked on the human brain is quite alarming, to say the least. It just eats up brain cells and instills an overwhelming urge on the part of the patient to bite chunks out of people. Rather like a Hollywood zombie, I would think."
The CDC are appealing for a calm, measured, reasonable response from the citizenry, and are urging people not to panic.
"We're urging people not to panic," reiterated Professor Godfrey Dahmer, also of the CDC. "Unless of course some crazed naked m*therf*cker attacks you and tries to bite your face, or your ass off. If that happens - get the hell out of there. People struck down by the KMA3 virus have no scruples - they'll bite off anything fleshy. Just dial 911 and hope the cops show up within an an hour or two as you try to fight the bastard off. As he tries to suck and bite out your eyeballs. And most of your face. Or your testicles. Ouch! That would probably hurt. A lot."
To date, it's been mainly down and outs and drug addicts who have been targeted by the crazed KMA3 virus victims, but research indicates that morbidly obese people will be the next targets.
"Morbidly obese people are at particular risk," said WTFIT radio DJ, Herman Slummer, from his studio in uptown-midtown-west Palookahville, Ohio. "Because they aren't athletic enough to flee the scene. After that, I expect them to start on the gay community, and then the illegals. It's a tragic situation, for sure, but the bottom line is that nobody is immune."
Early research indicates that attempting to buy off potential face eaters by offering them pastrami sandwiches is a futile gesture.
"My advice would be to run like your ass is on fire if confronted by a crazed cannibal/zombie," reported Professor Godfrey Dahmer. "You can't possibly talk your way out of it, and the offer of a pastrami sandwich in lieu of having your face and your genitalia chewed off, just don't cut the mustard. Or so I am reliably informed."
Truly terrifying news from Georgia there.
More as we get it.