Alarmed by breaking news of "Bird Flu Armageddon" President Bush declared open war on all fowl, feathered critters and any thing below the clouds with a beak.
"Mr Bush hasn't been this unduly alarmed since he and Rove discovered virtual WMDS in Iraq" one
White house spokesman said.
Bird flu, now the number one killer of .. birds in other countries is expected to hit the U.S. September 13th, 2006, 11:47 AM (CST) weather permitting.
In preparation for the arrival of the end of the world as we know it the Bush administration (in conjunction with FEMA) is putting together the largest multi-billion dollar emergency rescue/recovery plan since Katrina sent the president's ratings plummeting to the basement.
"Slingshots, bb guns, rocket propelled grenades, Dick Cheney buckshot even, use WHATEVER you have on hand to down these deadly critters" the President admonished citizens during a nationally televised speech this morning on Nickelodeon.
The U.S. Department of Medical Anomalies recently reported a case of bird "sniffles" in lower outer Mongolia.
One department official said ..
"Bird sniffles, the latest pandemic viral mutation of the disease are much safer than regular bird flu. Just don't let the bird sneeze on your waffles or you'll get bird sniffles too and wind up doing backwards cartwheels across the floor."
KFC, concerned that Bush's radical new "bird snuffing" policy will put a damper on it's 3rd quarter profits said,
"KFC does not and will not knowingly fry up chickens and/or roosters known to harbor the deadly bird flu virus, even if the virus does taste mighty darned good with 11 different secret herbs and spices."
Popeye's Chicken, headquartered in the remnants of New Orleans responded in kind adding,
"Popeye's will go a step further and actually electrocute known bird flu chicken offenders in miniature chicken shaped electric chicken coups."
Church's Chicken was unavailable for comment.
Worldwide health officials are concerned about a new deadly sensory kick fad reported in some Indonesian countries .. young teenagers injecting themselves with actual bird flu virus for kicks. CNN's Wolf Blitzer spoke with one young teen
thrill-seeker mere seconds before he died ..
(Partial transcript courtesy of CNN)
BLITZER -> Why did you inject yourself with fatal bird flu virus?
BLITZER -> Hello?
BLITZER -> Are you alive?
BLITZER -> Hello?