Written by BP Markus
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Topics: Congress, Paul Ryan

Friday, 22 June 2012

Wisconsin congressman and union buster Paul Ryan has apparently skipped town amid rumors that nuns angered by statements he made about Catholicism were headed to his office.

"We haven't seen him since last week," a congressional office staffer who declined to give her name said. "He made some comment about 'the Penguin' coming to pay him a visit and I haven't seen him since. He looked scared and sweaty and he was in a hurry."

Ryan recently crafted a budget plan for his state that makes severe cuts to social services to the poor, elderly and infirm, and stated the budget was in-line with his Catholic faith.

The comment angered some Catholics, whose faith has a long tradition of social justice efforts, but lit a veritable fire under a group of nuns who organized a bus trip to Wisconsin to visit Ryan and offer him an alternative budget that spares the poorest of the poor from his proposed cuts.

But while concerned about the bus filled with well-mannered nuns from NETWORK, a small Catholic lobbying group headed by Sister Simone Campbell, Ryan was apparently more apprehensive about a speeding 1984 Oldsmobile station wagon reportedly filled with habit-wearing nuns armed with yard sticks.

The vehicle, emblazoned with the phrase "Nun of your business" along the side, was last seen headed into Wisconsin at speeds topping 140 miles per hour.

"I don't know who they are exactly, but they're mad," said Wisconsin State Patrol Officer Matthew Lombardi. "I pulled them over, and the nun driving the car just rolled down the window and stared at me. It was the most terrifying experience of my life."

A restaurant owner frequented by Ryan said the angry nuns left a calling card for the congressman.

"You can't hide from us," the card read. "We're on a mission from God."

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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