Seemingly at odds with the extreme religious right, to whom he owes so much, President Bush on Saturday once more aired statements that seemed to indicate his continued reluctance to take a firm stand for Engish as the "official" language of The United States.
A few miles away in Baltimore State University's new John Waters Conference Center, a select committee of the country's most respected Psycho-Lexicologists concluded that this syptomatic reluctance can be borne of a deep-seated fear that one is not speaking the same language as his peers, family and friends. Plainly stated, Lexophrenia, as the condition is called, can make the afflicted feel, for a time, as though they are speaking nonsense.
The committee's studies also claim that thousands of cases of the condition go undiagnosed for a variety of reasons. "In the president's case," stated Dr. Latrelle Lithp, A.S.S, "there are mitigating circumstances. The fact that he really isspeaking nonsense muddies the water a bit, but the diagnosis remains the same. His Lexophrenia is markedly more difficult to detect, since Mr. Bush, like the most cunning Lexos, propels his nonsense with a Tsunami of Charisma and a manic conviction, which can overwhelm the unsuspecting listener and produce a confused state of compliance. Other factions of the population may recognize his utterances as at odds with reality, but interpret them as politically motivated lies."
The doctor maintains that the lexophreniac hides his roiling inner tension by emoting a constant babble of good-natured malapropisms, which seems to have an odd calming effect on the large pockets of Omniphobia (fear of everything) which characterize the populations of states referred to as "red" states.
"Historically this symbiotic relationship between the Lexophrenic and Omniphobic has fluorished just prior to and during extended periods of authoritarian oppression . If left untreated, large-scale societal dysfunction may express itself in genocidal outbursts, pathological disdain for reason, scientific or humanitarian discourse, and a gnawing dread that you are becoming increasingly more incomprehensible to even your closest associates." Dr. Lithp continued.
But, not to worry say the Socio-Psycho-Lexicographers, represented on the committe by Dr. Ron Sequitore, whose "The Babel Incident" hovered on the non-fiction best seller lists for the last two years. His popular theory maintains that "Babel Events" are the natural results of behavior hard-wired into the human organism to produce periodic population purges, a necessity for planetary health and stability.
When asked about his reaction to the findings of the non-partisan scientific committee, the President chuckled, waggled his six iron and said, " That's so typical of unique attempts of certain non-specific scientific individuals to misunderestimate my cohesion of a given situation."