LANSING MI (AP) After a nationwide flurry of criticism over the Michigan legislature's silencing of two female lawmakers for using the word "vagina" during a floor debate, republican lawmakers are standing hard on their position that "vagina" is not a word that should be used anytime or anywhere.
At a news conference Friday, Senator Mike Callton (R-13th Century) restated his opposition to vagina. "It was so offensive, I don't even want to say it in front of women. I would not say that in mixed company." The senator then announced plans to attach an amendment to his Abstinence Only sex education bill that would make it a second degree felony to read any textbooks that contained the word, and a first degree felony for any teacher to say "vagina" at school.
Representative Dick Crusher (R-Bonervile) introduced similar legislation in the Michigan house, and added language mandating the use of other words in the place of "vagina." Said Crusher, "While the V-word may be anatomically correct terminology, most of my constituents aren't that educated, so we need to use language they can understand."
Among the state approved terminology in Dick Crusher's version of the law are: pussy, cooter, beaver, taco, camel toe, muff, snatch, oven, love button, penis glove, cock sock, hoohah, bajingo, sperm bottle, love rug, poontang, tunnel of love, nookie, honey pot, fur burger, box, gash, kebab, kitty, minge, vertical smile, lovebox, love canal, cock warmer, whisker biscuit, deep socket, fuzz box, peach, bikini bisuit, cockpit, snooch, puddy tat, grassy knoll, curly curtains, furry furnace, cupid's cupboard, love glove, hairy doughnut, spasm chasm, hump hole, juice box, sausage wallet, crotch waffle, hot pocket, snake charmer, furby, penis parking, bone polisher, wiener wrap, home plate, and hairy potter.
The republican caucus also promised a heavily armed response to female lawmakers plans to perform The Vagina Monologues at the capital. "If they try to do that, we'll have to call out the TWAT Team.