Washington DC: The US Department of Labor announced that the number of animal rights activists residing in the 48 contiguous states has steadily declined by 50% between 2009 and 2012.
The Federal Bureau of Investigation (FBI) launched a probe into why animal rights activists have been disappearing! Federal agents discovered that a number of Texas Cattlemen's Associations, Montana Sheep Ranchers, Kansas Pig Farmers and Iowa Chicken Farmers were involved in a red-meat conspiracy.
These food producing groups had contracted to smuggle English speaking cannibals across the Mexican-Texas border. These cannibals came from civilized nations that had supposedly given up cannibalism 200 years ago. The illegal cannibals then infiltrated various animal rights organizations across the US.
US Attorney General Eric Holder has labeled this dastardly act the great Moo, Baa, Oink and Cluck conspiracy. Department of Justice (DOJ) prosecutors intend to levy severe federal charges against the alleged cabal of food producing groups. A federal court trial is expected to last until early November 2012.
The main stream media is to provide 24/7 coverage. White House security leaks, the DOJ "gun walking" scandal, the economy and the presidential election are expected to be eclipsed by these court proceedings. Some Senators in Congress are already calling for Congressional hearings.
A 100,000 Vegan march is also planned for the National Mall!