Written by Dr. Billingsgate
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Thursday, 14 June 2012

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Eat This!

BILLINGSGATE POST - Miami police investigating the gruesome face-eating attack on a 65-year-old homeless man by Rudy Eugene have dismissed reports speculating that Eugene may have been under the influence of a synthetic stimulent known as bath salts.

Rudy Eugene, who was found naked and chewing on Ronald Poppo's face, was shot and killed by police when he failed to respond to orders to stop attacking the man. Law inforcement officials who initially said that Eugene may have used bath salts prior to the attack backed down on this preliminary analysis when told by the coroner that Rudy Eugene had not bathed in weeks.

Citing research involving the eating habits of Hannibal Lector, Miami coroner Dr. Gelump Frisbie stated that Eugene's autopsy indicated that his digestive system was populated by "flesh-eating bacteria." This refers to a very rare but serious condition called necrotizing penile displacia; in layman's language, the paranormal displacement of sexual arousal stimulation by eating human flesh. The symptoms include redness, swelling and pain in the affected area that can only be mitigated by chomping down on human flesh.

FOOTNOTE: Mr. Poppo, who was the victim of this vicious attack, is temporarily blind but recovering well after suffering devastating injuries on nearly half his face, doctors reported Tuesday. He stated that he "totally understands and forgives" the deceased Rudy Eugene and wishes him well in the hereafter.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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