Washington DC, Wednesday 17 May 2006 - (Associated Mess): Lawyers acting for jailed DC lobbyist Jack Abramoff have today released their client's list of sweeteners which were allegedly
received by President Bush and his deputy Dick Cheney since 2000, including the names and addresses of watersports rent boys who treated the leaders to colonic irrigation stress-busting remedies during the onset of the Iraq war.
The US press has noted the allegations and commented that President Bush's haul of gifts easily depicts a relaxation-centred man of the world and one who has been quoted by the media last week as telling a German newspaper that the highlight of his term of office involved catching a particularly big shark.
However, not all gifts were welcomed by the President and his VP according to Abramoff's spokesman: "That dose of equine gonorrhoea that Vladimir Putin sent him on the tail-end of his 2003 UK State Visit to the Queen's stables didn't go down particularly well with the First Lady's manicure-boy", he said. "Nor did Mrs Cheney appreciate the six months convalescence period imposed by White House medics after the Vice President was successfully treated for an outbreak of tonsilitis that turned out to be anal warts, following a Skull 'N' Bones reunion dinner's post-prandial talent contest involving synchronised flatulence with the Reverend Jerry Falwell".
Official statistics note that Bush and Cheney get an estimated 1,000 gifts a month, mainly from grateful Skull 'N' Bonesmen in the US and worldwide Hellfire Club members whose offshore bank accounts run by the President's uncle Jonathan Bush at the Riggs Bank were last in the news when Margaret Thatcher's son Mark was busted for financing a failed coup in Equatorial New Guinea.
Abramoff's disclosures also shed some light on Mr Bush and Mr Cheney's personal fortunes, which the jailed former lobbyist claims have multiplied tenfold since the successful whitewash of the corruption investigation into Saddam's 'Oil-for-Fraud' scheme.
No mention from Abramoff's spokesman regarding any freebies from the Vatican. However, the recently arrested Sicilian Mafia chief Bernardo Provenzano is believed to be following Jack Abramoff's example and negotiating a plea-bargain to disclose the extent of both Pope JP2's and Pope Ratzinger's sponsorship of the Bush Administration in the form of deletion from the official classified Pontifical Archives of any mention of money-laundering, fraud, outright theft and embezzlement connected to the 'God's Banker' murder of Roberto Calvi.
"And thank you very much for those Arbusto shares which the Vatican Bank has yet to cash in", said his lawyer.