In the most recent of a series of revelations of government instrusions into American private life, reporters at the Baltimore Bee today uncovered that sitting Vice President Richard Bruce Cheney is in your apartment now.
Asked about the allegations after a televised speech on immigration in Nashua, NH, which had been delayed during the worst flooding in New England since 1936, President Bush remarked that it was "vital for Americans to understand and support the commitment of public servants like Dick," while "assur[ing] that every relevant and acknowledged law had been obeyed. [He was] glad of [your] patience in the face of Mr. Cheney's personal involvement of seeking out terrorist activity is a post-September-11 world."
Senate Majority leader Bill Frist in response this morning introduced a bill making it illegal to publish accounts of secret government programs. "This kind of irresponsible reporting completely undercuts the administrations efforts to make America safer. There is no point in our removing legislative and blocking judicial oversight of the administration's domestic surveillance activities if they get into the newspapers. This bill is Congress' attempt to address that gap."
A spokesperson for the ACLU contacted by this reported declined to be named, and would say only, "Shhhh. They're in the walls? Can you hear them? They can hear you. You bet they can hear you."
Newly appointed press secretary Tony Snow fielded questions on this topic yesterday in only his fourth appearance since being confirmed by cowed and compliant camerae of Congress. "I just want to read something to you, that a lot of people have been bringing up, in the interest of clarification:
"The right of the people to be secure in their persons, houses, papers, and effects, against unreasonable searches and seizures, shall not be violated; and no Warrants shall issue but upon probable cause, supported by Oath or affirmation, and particularly describing the place to be searched, and the persons or things to be seized.
"Now, that's the Fourth Amendment to the Constitution of the United States of America, which I've been hearing a lot about this morning. And I feel it's important that you help me help the American people understand that while Mr. Cheney is in [your] house unannounced to gather information relevant to national security, Mr. Cheney's seizures are all reasonable ones, and [you are] still secure in [your] house. There's just a Vice President in it."
Mr. Cheney himself was unavailable for comment, as he is hiding under your couch.