Written by Michael Balton
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Tuesday, 12 June 2012

image for NFL Investigating Gaga's Concussion; Madonna Suspected
It only hurts when she sings.

New York City - The National Football League's Special Task Force on Head Injuries has begun a formal investigation of a recent onstage incident involving Lady Gaga, a metal pipe and a concussion.

Gaga suffered the concussion earlier this week during a concert in New Zealand. One of her backup dancers "accidentally" socked her in the head with a pipe during a set change. The singer stumbled briefly, then picked herself up and went on to perform the rest of her show, to the delight of her tone-challenged audience.

In investigating the incident, the NFL begins a new era in the monitoring and comprehension of concussions. "We want to wrap our heads around raps in the head," said Marvin Frunch, the league's Director of Hand/Eye Coordination. "And that means scrutinizing concussions that occur in the off-season, off-the-field, to slightly off-kilter characters."

Upon hearing of Lady Gaga's head trauma, Frunch immediately traveled to New Zealand to personally examine the singer.

"I gave her a simple singing test, which she failed," the NFL investigator said. "Then I gave her a simple dancing test, which she also failed. I told her 'these tests indicate you have very little talent.' "

" 'That's never stopped me before,' was her response," Frunch said. "She then demonstrated a talent that immediately made me grow to be one of her biggest fans."

Zipping to another aspect of his investigation, Frunch discovered that the backup dancer responsible for hitting Gaga in the head previously had worked for Madonna. Under questioning, the dancer admitted that he was aiming to knock out Gaga's Autotune pitch corrector, but missed and clipped her on the head instead.

"Upon further review," Frunch said, "the NFL is going to fine Madonna $15,000 for roughing, the dancer $20,000 for missing, and Lady Gaga $30,000 for misuse of league equipment."

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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