WASHINGTON, D.C. -- As many Americans are having to pay more than three dollars per gallon at the gas pump, and many more have been priced out of the housing market, President George W. Bush took time to defend his economic policies. The President discussed the vast range of economic opportunities for all Americans who become members of the Republican Party and get a political appointment from him.
"If anybody thinks the economy is faltering," said President Bush as he spoke with reporters, "I would have to say that isn't true. Just look at my ex-Secretary of the Department of Veterans Affairs, Anthony Principi. He is now a billionaire. That is proof the economy is sound for me and members of my administration."
President Bush said that Anthony Principi's new billionaire status is proof that the American dream is still alive, and that if you do hard work, like staging photo-ops with disabled veterans on behalf of the Bush administration, you can succeed.
"It isn't like my administration promised the American dream to every American. There is no question that you can increase your chances of living out the American dream by joining the Republican Party, and if you are supportive enough of me, I just might be able to make you very rich," said President Bush. "Just look at Anthony Principi. He made a fortune working for me. As Secretary of the Veterans Administration, he was able to write his own contracts worth more than $1.2 billion."
President Bush made Anthony Principi the first ever recipient of the Distinguished Entrepreneur Award, which is given to people who demonstrate an exceptional ability to swindle taxpayers out of money.
I contacted Mr. Principi and had a chance to ask him a few questions. The following is part of my interview with the former VA Secretary:
DN: Hello, Tony. It is good to talk to somebody who knows so much about making so much money. People can learn a lot from your success. My first question for you is, what is it like being a billionaire now?
AP: It is wonderful. I find that it is much easier to get attractive ladies into bed with me. I can't seem to dodge them, sometimes! Hahaha! I no longer have to do any of my own housework or anything. That is all taken care of by my huge staff.
DN: Wow. Sounds nice. I think the question that everybody is dying to know is, how did you become a billionaire exactly?
AP: Well, as you know I was Secretary of the Veterans Administration from 2001 to 2004. Having such a high-ranking position has its perks. For one, I was able to procure contracts with the VA for my company. Steering $1.2 billion worth of contracts to my company was very easy. And of course, all of the VA employees who went along with this got handsome rewards as well. Who the hell ever said get rich quick schemes don't really work? Hahaha!
DN: Obviously, the American dream is alive and well for you, Mr. Principi. That is great news, I am sure, for all of Bush's cabinet members. They all have a good chance at becoming very wealthy. Would you agree?
AP: Well, fundamentally, the economy is very sound for all Bush cabinet members, I think. Don't get me wrong, it is a lot of hard work, like when I had to get my picture taken with disabled veterans and stuff. But overall, I would say the compensation is well worth that stuff. I got to fly around the country and stay in nice hotels all courtesy of the taxpayer.
DN: As a disabled veteran, I haven't been able to get my G.I. Bill, since the VA uses my disability as a reason to not give it to me. Do you think that is just because I am not politically-connected to the Bush administration enough?
AP: No doubt. Not getting your G.I. Bill if you question the Bush administration is normal and should be expected, and the VA can use whatever reason it wants, since it is a government agency. If you wish to get that G.I. Bill, I suggest you start liking President Bush, and maybe one day you can get it.
DN: Thanks for your time, Mr. Principi.
AP: You're welcome. Anytime.