Washington DC -- President Bush stunned the nation's capital today by personally announcing at a specially-called news conference the first step in what he characterized as a broad-based effort to both reduce the burgeoning federal deficit and jump-start the nation's constipated economy.
Calling his program "No Poor Person Left Behind," Bush announced that, beginning in June, poverty in America will be outsourced.
Specifically, poor people, the chronically unemployed, those with disabilities, the elderly poor, hurricane victims, and Medicare beneficiaries who actually succeeded in getting enrolled in the Medicare prescription plan will be outsourced to poverty-stricken areas of the world.
The first allotment of "relocatees" will be sent to Darfur by troopship early next month, the President said, becoming visibly irritated when a questioner referred to them as "deportees." Mr. Bush said that he expects all eligible relocatees will be outsourced by November, 2008. Logistics are being handled by Halliburton Corp.
"Poor people just don't fit in here in America, " the President said. "My mother taught me that from a very young age. Under the No Poor Person Left Behind program they'll have the opportunity to be far more comfortable in an environment like the one they are used to. I really think that looking out for the disadvantaged this way is how 'compassionate conservatism' is supposed to work.
"And on top of that," the President went on, "this nation will experience real savings -- deficit reduction -- through this program: We can look forward to fewer social security benefits, a lot less welfare, fewer people on Medicare and Medicaid -- we'll save right across the board. This will allow greater tax cuts for our already overburdened taxpayers. Less taxes mean more jobs. And with poor people out of the way we'll be creating more room here for the influx of illegal immigrants our economy so desperately needs to take those jobs!"
Senate Majority Leader Bill Frist (R-Tenn) expressed enthusiasm. "I think this is just the kind of initiative and leadership from the man in the White House this party has needed going into the Fall elections. It cuts the ground right out from under the Democrat opposition by removing their voter base."
Senator Hillary Rodham Clinton (D-NY), frontrunner in the race for the '08 Democratic nomination, called the proposal "absolutely breathtaking."
Vice President Dick Cheney, taking time out from firearms practice in his Capitol office, said, "It sure beats lettin' 'em eat cake!"