Written by Abel Rodriguez
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Sunday, 10 June 2012

image for Mitt Romney Is So Desperate To Be The Next President That He Has Announced He Is Changing His Religion
Mitt Romney speaking to a crowd at Tuscaloosa's Cackle Cackle Chicken Diner.

TUSCALOOSA, Alabama - Mitt Romney's presidential campaign tour bus pulled into Tuscaloosa, Alabama, the town made famous by the 60s Petula Clark song, "Me Bloomin' Heart's In Merry Olde England But Me Naughty Bits Are In Tuscaloosa."

Romney spoke to a crowd of about 40 people at the local Cackle Cackle Chicken Diner and told them that he wants to be president so bad he can taste it.

He asked if anyone in the crowd had a question. A little old man wearing a Cottonball State College football sweatshirt asked him about his religion.

Romney replied that he was a Mormon. The little old man identified as Watson "Moon Pie" Sourstraw, 73, of Muscle Shoals then said that he had heard Chris Rock say on The Jimmy Fallon Show that up until 1978, Mormons believed that all black people were the devil.

A visibly embarrassed Romney tried to change the subject by saying "Hey folks how about them L.A. Dodgers. Wow! They're 37-22 and they have the best won-loss record of all the 30 Major League Baseball teams."

Sourstraw hollered out, "Forget about da friggin Dodgers brotha, tell us more about da Mormons like how a Mormon dude can have up ta six wives.

Romney tried to change the subject again, this time by talking about the real pretty cheerleaders at Cottonball State College.

Sourstraw yelled back. "Some be pretty, some be okay, and some be ugly. Now let's get back ta talkin' 'bout dem Mormons who don't like Columbus Day, whiskey, tabacky, and tea."

Romney told him that he wanted to apologize for how the Mormons felt prior to 1978.

He then added that he personally only has one wife. He then pointed out that out of all of the world's explorers Christopher Columbus is his favorite because he didn't drink, cuss, smoke, lie, or mistreat porpoises.

Sourstraw hollered out "Romney, fella it sho do look like ta me dat ju be one flip-flopping, war-mongering, poor people hating, tall-tale telling, vegetarian."

Romney cleared his throat and informed him that he was not a vegetarian. And to prove his point he reached over and he took a bite out of one little girl's buffalo wings.

He then paused and he told the crowd that he is so desperate to become the next president of the United States that he has decided that he is going to be changing his religion.

A hushed hush fell over the Southern crowd.

"What ju be changin' jur religion to?" Sourstraw asked.

Romney smiled as he asked Mr. Sourstraw what religion he belonged to.

"Well I be an Episcopalian, dat be what I be's."

Romney hollered out "Bingo! Then starting tomorrow I will no longer be a Mormon and I will sign the necessary paperwork needed for me to become a card-carrying Episcopalian."

Romney shook his head and asked "Are you happy now Mr. Watson Sourstraw?"

"Yassir, now I be as happy as a lion at an elderly sheep convention."

SIDENOTE: After Romney left the crowd at The Cackle Cackle Chicken Diner he went over across the street to Jaspar Fillfurkle's House of Blue Tattoos where he got a tattoo of a piece of cornbread to make some points with the Southern voters.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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