Roger Goodell, Commissioner of the National Football League stunned the nation this afternoon at a press conference in which he disbanded the NFL!
"It is time we cut to the chase," said Goodell. "The Lilly Livered, the Nervous Nellies, and the Gutless Gurus have taken their toll with their hand wringing and crocodile tears about the minor injuries suffered by our players. Most real Americans want real men playing a real sport, therefore we are going to give America the sport they have always wanted!" As journalists sat up in their seats and reached for their Blackberries, Goodell paused for effect. He looked straight into the cameras: "We are going to bring back the sport of real men," he paused again, "the Gladiators! America has yearned for a real blood sport, not just the excitement of an occasional dog fight or a death or brain injury in the boxing ring. Every Sunday, after church, Americans will be able to see death, destruction and mayhem on the big screen while they eat their Sunday dinner."
A reporter called out, "What about TV, what about sponsors?" Goodell replied, "I'm glad you asked. I was just getting to that. We are sold out for the next five seasons and have more requests than we can handle. Not only that, for the first time in history our viewers can participate just as if they were at the games. As in the days of old, folks in the stands can give thumbs up or a thumbs down for a gladiator to live or die, now the folks at home can vote instantaneously right on their TV screen! It's a game the entire family can play! Live or die and you and your kids can play it while you eat your hot dogs and baked beans!"
Journalist: "What about the injured, will they have hospitalization and be cared for?"
Goodell: "No problemo! That's where the lions come in!"