Cleveland, Ohio, the Home of Rock and Roll - A group of self-described "Mormon archaeologists" were arrested today at the Whiskey Island Akzo-Noble salt mine in Cleveland, Ohio.
"I couldn't believe my eyes when I saw what they were doing to that pillar," said Superintendent Joe Pepper about today's incident.
"Two of them were using were using forklifts, because we always leave the keys in the ignition, the other two only had pickaxes because I think they were too dumb to figure out how to get the compressor started. But they were going at it hammer and picklefork, let me tell you" he said about the four, whose names were not about to be released by Cleveland police anytime soon. "At this point we are still in the process of investigating their identities and their itinerary, but it is safe to say that they are not from around here," said a police spokesman, under conditions of anonymity.
"Hey, it's an election year, what can I say?" he said later.
"These guys came this close to getting themselves killed" Pepper said, holding his thumb and forefinger an inch apart. "They are 8 miles out from shore, 1800 feet under the lake bottom, they are trying to remove the support pillars to search for gold plates and here comes a full shift of 85 guys who know what this means as soon as they see it. It means no work today. Zero. Forget it.
Because now it's all about the cops and federal mine inspectors and foot-thick incident reports and lost production, and quotas for the quarterly bonus that won't be met without overtime and vacations that probably won't happen this year.
So these guys went apeshit, and who can blame them? They [the four] were about as popular down here as a Canadian quarter at the Horseshoe Casino! That wasn't an arrest , that was protective custody and not a moment too soon, either. They had this bullshit story about gold plates or something, 'that would prove everything ', they kept screaming. But while these kids, and they looked like typical asshole millennials to me, anyway, while I'm trying to question them and they're trying to talk to me, here's 80 other guys screaming away to throw the lot of them into the processor and be done with it. It's a good thing Billy and Hal [Assistant And Deputy Superintendents] were both on the schedule, otherwise it could have ended up like a scene from "Fargo".
If the cops didn't show up when they did, these guys would've been carted out of here in about a year, as spots in a load of road salt."
Where do people get these ideas?"