"Being president sounds glamorous," revealed a pensive Barack Obama during a rare private interview in the Oval Office yesterday, "but it's not all fun and games."
Obama went on to express how difficult it has been for him to keep track of what he's supposed to believe in order to please his corporate sponsors, what he actually believes, and what he's told various private and public interest groups he believes.
"It's getting to me," the President admitted. "Sometimes I even forget if I still like Israel. I think I do at the moment, but that may be changing soon, pending some new poll results."
Obama added that the recent controversy over the U.S. government's secret use of drones to kill suspected militants, who, by definition, include any adult male in the presence of a terrorist attack, has become a huge thorn in his side.
"I just don't get why people are so worked up over the drone issue," he said. "I mean, it took years for people to realize Hitler had a campaign to exterminate the Jews, people never seemed to care too much about the genocide of Native Americans here in the U.S., and people barely even noticed the internment of Japanese-Americans during World War II. And yet they've jumped on this bandwagon opposing the killing of Pakistani children by remote-controlled drones? It just makes no sense. People have no sense of priorities."
Obama stated that he himself had no opinion on the drone issue - and that in fact, he really has no personal opinion about anything.
"That's what makes this all so difficult," he explained. "If I had any actual personal ideological beliefs then at least I could fall back on those when I momentarily lose track of what I'm supposed to believe. But I don't really believe in anything. And I think that's why the average American connects with me - we don't get bogged down in ethics or ideals or philosophies. We just get the job done."
In a brief moment of levity, he added, "Now I can see why Ronald Reagan's acting experience came in so handy when he was president. It would help to be able to memorize a script! Whereas I keep forgetting my lines."
The President's face immediately turned somber. "Essentially, I'm a total stress-case. Man, I could really use a cigarette." He blinked. "Wait - I can't remember if I still smoke. Do you know?"