Written by W. Troggin
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Monday, 4 June 2012

New Jersey-The 20 yr old man accused in the Shady Orchard shooting spree hanged himself in his jail cell early Sunday morning. Neil Boarts had pled guilty to the rampage that left 49 dead last October. He was awaiting sentencing.

On October 15 of last year Mr Boarts had been up for two days smoking ground up Odor Eaters insoles, a current fad with young people, and listening to the Billy Joel song " only the good die young". He became convinced that Mr Joel was instructing him kill all old people because, as he later explained, "if they were good, there is no way they would have lived that long". A point of view he stuck to until the end, scratching the song title into his cell wall.

The deranged man entered the retirement home at 6pm on that terrible night after all occupants were in bed for the night. He went room to room gunning down the defenseless seniors without remorse. Gertrude McNelis, the sole survivor, said that when he kicked in her door and pointed a gun at her she " thought he was from the insurance company". Gertrude added," it was nice to have a visitor, my rotten grand kids never stop by." She survived only because the maniac was out of rounds.

Mr Boarts was able to buy a 49 round clip for his hand gun at a local convenience store. When asked by this reporter why anyone would need a clip for a hand gun that held 49 rounds, the clerk said, " to hold 49 bullets?"

When his body was discovered hanging in his cell, a note was found in his pocket that read " told you".

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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